Sith Gardener...
Someone is playing Jedi mind tricks on me.
I have a Sith Gardener. First he raped me from behind. I knew it was coming and I let him do it with a smile on my face. He could not have done this if he was not a Sith. Then he "traded" yard debris cans with me. Somehow I got his shit can and he got my brand new can. Go figure. Then today he comes and sprays poison in my backyard to kill Drunkard McTreehugger's blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and before he left he stole my sisters new yard debris can. Nothing he did today had anything to do with yard debris so he had no reason to touch her can.
SO I called him on it. I fucking called Jorge and got his Mexi-machine and left a voice mail. I asked him kindly if he would return both cans. Those cans are sentimental...they held the kegs from my WT wedding. I slapped the city's yard debris sticker on them and they are the best damn cans in my hood. I am so mad at him. I was so nice to him, fed him, gave him beer on the job, let him charge me two arms and a leg for his services and didn't bat an eye. Then he goes and swipes my F'n cans. I oughtta call La Migra on his ass.
Sidebar: I do not give two shits if he is an illegal, I am just being a bitch. He is a hard worker and did do a good job even if I did let him overcharge me...
So, a few things about my fucking asswipe neighbor...
When I was a kid, he had signs in his windows (you could see his windows way back then) that said CAUTION: I AM A VIETNAM VETERAN AND I BOOBY TRAPPED MY HOUSE. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IF YOU BREAK IN...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
He lives at a bar in Troutdale next to his "River Rafting" buisness and is almost never home. Mayors mom knows him (so does Mayor) and they know what a weirdo drunk he is. Oh and he wasn't in Nam for the record so that is no excuse...
He has no less that a bakers dozen cats that live in the jugle habitat wildlife sanctuary he calls a yard. I get to listen to them "serenade" each other at night because my bedroom is closest to his house.
You can't even see his house anymore. It is surrounded by shrubbery. He has trees that the birds "planted" (I say shat) in his yard growing so close to his house they are busting the eaves, through his roof. When we asked him to cut down the cherry sapling growing right on our property line he said no. Mother nature put it there.
I have seen rabbits in his yard. Opossums and raccons I can see, but real live wild rabbits? WTF?
He NEVER goes into his backyard, the grass is waist high and the back 3/4ths are lost.
And what pisses me off THE MOST are the blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and going to seed and spreading into my fucking sanctuary! I had to buy poison and pay Jorge to kill them muther F'n things. It could have hurt my dog. Then I would have come unglued, but I was assured after 24 hrs. it will be ok.
I'm going to call somebody...THATS how mad I am!
I have a Sith Gardener. First he raped me from behind. I knew it was coming and I let him do it with a smile on my face. He could not have done this if he was not a Sith. Then he "traded" yard debris cans with me. Somehow I got his shit can and he got my brand new can. Go figure. Then today he comes and sprays poison in my backyard to kill Drunkard McTreehugger's blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and before he left he stole my sisters new yard debris can. Nothing he did today had anything to do with yard debris so he had no reason to touch her can.
SO I called him on it. I fucking called Jorge and got his Mexi-machine and left a voice mail. I asked him kindly if he would return both cans. Those cans are sentimental...they held the kegs from my WT wedding. I slapped the city's yard debris sticker on them and they are the best damn cans in my hood. I am so mad at him. I was so nice to him, fed him, gave him beer on the job, let him charge me two arms and a leg for his services and didn't bat an eye. Then he goes and swipes my F'n cans. I oughtta call La Migra on his ass.
Sidebar: I do not give two shits if he is an illegal, I am just being a bitch. He is a hard worker and did do a good job even if I did let him overcharge me...
So, a few things about my fucking asswipe neighbor...
When I was a kid, he had signs in his windows (you could see his windows way back then) that said CAUTION: I AM A VIETNAM VETERAN AND I BOOBY TRAPPED MY HOUSE. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IF YOU BREAK IN...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
He lives at a bar in Troutdale next to his "River Rafting" buisness and is almost never home. Mayors mom knows him (so does Mayor) and they know what a weirdo drunk he is. Oh and he wasn't in Nam for the record so that is no excuse...
He has no less that a bakers dozen cats that live in the jugle habitat wildlife sanctuary he calls a yard. I get to listen to them "serenade" each other at night because my bedroom is closest to his house.
You can't even see his house anymore. It is surrounded by shrubbery. He has trees that the birds "planted" (I say shat) in his yard growing so close to his house they are busting the eaves, through his roof. When we asked him to cut down the cherry sapling growing right on our property line he said no. Mother nature put it there.
I have seen rabbits in his yard. Opossums and raccons I can see, but real live wild rabbits? WTF?
He NEVER goes into his backyard, the grass is waist high and the back 3/4ths are lost.
And what pisses me off THE MOST are the blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and going to seed and spreading into my fucking sanctuary! I had to buy poison and pay Jorge to kill them muther F'n things. It could have hurt my dog. Then I would have come unglued, but I was assured after 24 hrs. it will be ok.
I'm going to call somebody...THATS how mad I am!
posted by DogMa @12:05 AM
10 Comments:
Lung Dogma Fung,
I am but a drunk, but I gotta tell you, I had a difficult time understanding your story! It would rule if you made your stories more than an inside joke.
Think of the impact you could have with your great writing if it was all internationally accessible and shit.
First Troutdale, then the world...
Love you Sh***ly T***nt, regardless.
Your Friend,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt
I don't even realize it anymore...
I will work on it. For you my friend!
Is this why you De-Listed me JC?
You broke my heart you know...
ste=site
FORGIVEN!
I'd never de-link ya kid! Your too crazy! Not enough peeps like you broseph.
"Be who you are and say what you feel...because the people that mind don't matter...and the people that matter don't mind!"~Dr.Seuss
fucking crazy ass neighbors.....I think I'll keep mine and you can keep yours. I thought mine was bad. Call the city on him...isn't it a fire hazard to have waist high weeds? Tho' with his crazy uncleanliness maybe he WAS in Vietnam...maybe he was a CIA operative.
He doesn't have the River Rafting biz anymore, which one would think he might now have enough time to tend to his jungle, but alas, no, just more time to hang at the bar...
You tell that skanky piss head that mother nature put you here and you have an axe. Such is her way. Chop down the fucking things. Rah.
I had no problem following your post...is that good??
I actually tried to mow down my jungle a couple of days ago. Just turned it all into mush.
Found out later the plastic blade had broken.
Still that'll do till Autumn
maybe the blackberry bushes stole your yard cans?
I like your quote, I used it today so i wouldn't stress about some shit that happened and be able to enjoy my weekend:
Be who you are and say what you feel...because the people that mind don't matter...and the people that matter don't mind!"~Dr.Seuss
also, try this:
There is enough uncontrollable pain in life without us unnecessarily adding self-inflicted wounds.
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