Gray Ghosts

Life is not measured by the breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

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Cost of the War in Iraq

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(Ain't that some BULLSHIT.)


Marriage is love.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I'm still breathin'!

Just dropping by to let ya'll know I appreciate your concern about my absence! Your too kind. I got into a funk I guess...quit blogging. My sister had her baby 2 months early and she was in the hospital 50 days. Doing GREAT now. My little Peach. I love her like my own.

As far as my health goes I have gotten no closer to my weight loss goal of 50 lbs. to get those new lungs. I did buy a treadmill and it is set up now and I shall start to use it this weekend. I may have declined a bit in the breathing department these last few months, but I'm hanging in there don't worry. Now if I could only get my sleeping patterns under control!

I hope to make it back here more often. I feel bad for abandoning this place. I miss it. Here are some pics of my Peach, Kaylee Ray. She's my precious angel.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Random Spew...

50 random things meme...for your viewing pleasure.

1. Where is your dad right now?
It's 12:am, he is in bed at his house SNORING. God damn that man can saw some logs!

2. Last time you kissed someone?
Tonight I kissed 4 people, NONE of which were my husband! My mom, my step mom, my mother-in-law and my Gramma.

3. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
This disease is going to kill me if I don't lose 50lbs so I can get a transplant. It is not going to just "wait" for me either....

4. what color is your watch?
Silver COACH braclet w/ 12 diamonds and mother of pearl face...it was a surprise! I am spoiled rotten I know.

5. do you like anyone?
I like ALOT of peeps, I LOVE my husband though, he takes good care of me.

6. Are you close to your mom?
HELLS YEAH! HELLO!

7. Where does your best friend work?
One @ trucking dispatch co. and the other at A BAR I WON'T NAME (but hopefully not for long!)

8. What are you listening to right now?
KKK members on the History Channel light a cross and spew hate-speach. Lovely....The will burn in hell I am sure...at least I hope.

9. What do you smell like?
L'Occitane Lemon Verbena Baby! It's my new favorite scent. Crispy and clean and fresh, I just love it

10. What color are your pants?
I am wearing a baby blue flowered long john outfit someone got me for my bridal shower last year. I just discoved it. Super warm & soft!

11. Have you ever done a chinese fire drill?
Oh yeah, once I remember on Kane Drive by the college on the way to a footbal game! GO RAIDERS! It involved my truck and Scott H.'s Mustang and we all got out and ran around and switched cars and shit! Those were the good old days!!!

12. What color is your bedroom flooring?
Tan, except for the dog bed, that is sage.

13. Do you have a chair in your room?
No, my bed takes up the whole room pretty much.

14. What time of day were you born?
In the evening. Mom had been in labor going on 24 hrs. and the Dr. said she was not ready yet so he went out to dinner. Thankfully another Dr. came by and checked on her and said this baby is over due and they are going to die if she doesn't come out NOW. So he took me cesarian and my dad almost went to jail that night because of what he was going to do to the Dr. that went to dinner!

15. Do you know anyone who is engaged?
No but I wish my sister was....HINTHINT

16. What's your favorite number?
7 I guess.

17. Do you know someone named Lori?
Lori Degan used to share a fence with me and her mom was my babysitter back when I was 5.

18. What color is your mom's hair?
S & P and dark brown.

19. Do you have a dog?
HELLO! HAVE WE MET?! My furbaby is Fisher P. Lovebone, she is a 3 year old Weimaraner and the love of my life!

20. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
TONS and now I teach them to Rhiannon my niece. She loves to sing!

21. When was the last time you went swimming?
Late 2003 before I was put on o2. We have a hot tub though and I can go in there.

22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
Today we had a brunch for Potpourri, he turned 30, and I talked to Hoo Ha there.

23. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yeah, just outdoor school.

24. Do you play an instrument?
Does the skin flute count? I KID! I'm married, now, I don't need to do that.

25. Do you like fire?
Yes I am a fire bug. I have a fire pit on the deck for the summer and a woodstove we use in the winter.

26. Are you allergic to anything?
Bullshit and Republicans, but they are basicly made with the same ingredients...

27. When was the last time you cried?
Tuesday when my boy and I talked about my breathing getting worse...we both broke down.

29. Have you ever been to a spa?
Yes, when I stay in fancy hotels with my boy and he makes me go get my hair and nails did.

30. Did you take science all four years of high school?
Yes I love science. Earth Science, Marine Biology, Oceanography, Anatomy and Physiology

31. Do you like butterflies?
Yes, C-man released them at my wedding and Jim tattooed a big one on my leg with my sister! They are infinity symbol butterflies!

33. What is one thing you miss about your past?
OMG....everything. Breathing normaly, walking at a normal pace, too much stuff to list I tell ya. Some of it funny, most of it is kinda sad so I won't go there.

34. Have you ever seen a counsler?
Yes indeedy. Everybody should.

35. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
Yeah I used to teach the kids at my mother-in-laws daycare little lessons, but my RA got too bad and I had to quit.

36. What is one thing you've learned about life?
It's short, and unfair but beautiful, wonderful and special and I want to live it the best I can for as long as I can!

37. Are you jealous of anyone?
No, not really. I wish I was thin, I wish I was healthy and could have babies of my own and do all the things I want to do, but I wouldn't say I am jealous of those kinds of folks.

38. Is anyone jealous of you?
Gosh I hope not, thats crazy.

39. Ever been stuck in an elevator?
Yes, at the Oregonian with Rick H.!

40. What does your dad call you?
My Girl, other nicknames that are just abbreviations of my given name.

41. What does your mom call you?
Esther, other silly names she can make out of my name. She can make a silly song out of anything, she is whack!

42. What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
An Inconvenient Truth....It's the truth about Global Warming. It will rock your world. YOU MUST SEE IT.

43. Has a friend ever used you?
Oh maybe, but that was years ago. Who cares.

44. Has anyone recently told you that they like you
Oh I'm sure they have.

45. What have you eaten today?
A hot cake, a sausage, some red taters at breakfast. Then at Dinner I had the Weightwatchers steak & chicken skewer dinner at Applebees and a bowl of French onion soup. It was delish! I was full.

46. Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Curly

48. Who was the last person you drove with?
My mommy, home from the play we saw.

49. What are you looking forward to?
Getting new lungs and living a full life!

50. How are you today?
Well, I hate to say it because I hate to worry my peeps, but the last few weeks I have changed. I hope it is just a flare up, but my breathing has gotten worse. It is tough to do things I used to do and I am worried. I go to see my transplant Dr.s on the 17th. I hope and pray that he sees I am going to loose the weight and get to the place where they can give me the lung transplant if/when I need it!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

A helluva man...One helluvan American.

He has earned the right to speak...hear him out.
(Got this one from Stewbert.)

After Pat's Birthday
Kevin Tillman Honors Late Brother's Birthday with Plea to Speak up for Democracy

by Kevin Tillman

It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we get out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:

Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.

Kevin Tillman joined the Army with his brother Pat in 2002, and they served together in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pat was killed in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004. Kevin was discharged in 2005.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Meme from the big J.C.

Yes...Jesus talks to me and he told me to post this meme. So there.
Sorry it's in all caps. Really I'm not yelling.

Someone knocks on your door at 2am, who do you want it to be? AN OLD FRIEND THAT WANTS TO RE-CONNECT? OR ED MCMAHON TELLING ME I WON PCH...BUT HE USUALLY COMES DURING THE DAY.

Your boss tells you he/she will give you a $20 raise if you'll do your job naked, do you stay and take the raise? HELL NO. I HAVE BEEN WITH THE SAME MAN 8 YEARS AND HE HAS NEVER SEEN MY ENTIRE BODY AT ONE TIME NUDE. I DON'T WANNA SEE IT SO WHY WOULD I LET SOMEONE ELSE!

Put yourself in a nutshell. OH, I'M ULTRA LAIDBACK AND EASY GOING. TOO NICE I SUPPOSE.

Ever see a ghost? I THINK SO.

Happy with your body? HELL MOTHER F'n NO. IT HAS BETRAYED ME!

A reason to move to Iceland. TO GET BETTER HEALTH CARE? TO GET AWAY FROM OUR GOVERNMENT? I DUNNO MUCH ABOUT ICELAND EXCEPT FOR BJORK IS FROM THERE...

A place you've lived that you miss. I'VE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE MY ENTIRE LIFE...NO SHIT.

A job you'd never do, no matter how much you were paid. EXECUTIONER...HUMANS OR ANIMALS.

A band/group you thought was cool when you were 13. PRINCE, MADONNA, MILLI-VANILLI!

You have a nightmare, who's the first person you think to call? MIGUEL, ALTHOUGH HE HATES TO LISTEN TO MY CRAZY RAMBLING DREAMS. ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHERE HE CHEATS ON ME!

Wanna have kids before you're 30? I'M 31 AND MY EGGS ARE SCRAMBLED FROM THE CHEMO, MY ONLY KIDS ARE COVERED IN FUR.

A memory from high school. FOOTBALL GAMES ON FRIDAY NIGHTS! WORKING AT WENDY'S WITH MY BEST FRIENDS, THAT WAS SWEET. SOCK-HOPS.

Ever had a crush on a friend's parent? MAYORS DAD WAS QUITE HANDSOME & DISTINGUISHED I'D SAY. HIS SMARTS MAD HIM EVEN MORE APPEALING. CAN'T SAY I HAD A REAL CRUSH HOWEVER.

Do you look more like your mom or dad? I DON'T KNOW. MY DADDY I THINK. ALTHOUGH THERE ARE PICTURES OF MY MOMS AUNT BACK IN THE 40'S AND IT LOOKS JUST FRIGGIN' LIKE ME. IT IS SPOOKY I TELL YA.

Something you've always wanted to learn to do. SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE OR PLAY AN INSTRUMENT. THAT WOULD BE SWEET.

How you'd like your life to be in 10 years. SHIAT...I JUST WANNA BE BREATHING ON MY OWN BE WITH THESE LUNGS OR NEW ONES. I WANT MORE DOGS AND I WANT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY NEICE TO BE.

Something you learned this year. LIFE IS SHORT SO GET BUSY LIVIN'. OH AND I'M GONNA BE AN AUNTY. THAT ROCKS THE HIZZY.

What do you want for your birthday? I WANT TO BE HEALTHY AGAIN. SINCE THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, I WILL SETTLE FOR A FRENCH BULLDOG, PREFERABLY A BLACK MALE NAMED ANGUS...(GET IT?)

Name 4 things you did yesterday. WENT TO THE MOVIES AND SAW "AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH", RECORDED SOME VINYL TO MP3, MADE A BLOG POST...BORING PER USUAL...

Last item you bought yourself. "LEMON VERBENA" SHOWER GEL AND PARFUME FROM L'OCCITANE IN SEATTLE. MY NEW FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE SCENT EVER.

What did you have for breakfast. NOTHING. NO, I HAD SOME TRAIL MIX AND A CHEESE STICK!

Name the last 3 songs you heard. "MOTHER" PINK FLOYD, "THE OCEAN" ZEPPLIN, "LET'S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER" THE STONES. THOSE ARE JUST THE ONES I CAN REMEMBER.

How many hours of sleep do you get each night? AROUND 10. I NEEDS ME SLEEP.

What do you wish you were doing right now? DRINKING A BLOODY MARY, SMOKING CHRONIC AND CIGGARETTES, HANGING WITH MY OLD FRIENDS MAYBE GOING TO "DO SOMETHING"...MY OLD LIFE.

Who's the first person in your phone book on your cell? APRIA MY OXYGEN SUPPLIERS. IN RECENT CALLS THAT WOULD BE MY HUB.

Last time you witnessed a fight? IN PERSON? I DUNNO. PROBABLY WHEN I KO'D THAT DUDE IN 93 THAT CALLED MY FRIEND A FAT BITCH. SHE WAS, BUT THAT WAS NOT FOR HIM TO SAY. I WATCH UFC RELIGOUSLY THOUGH...

Name 3 places you'd like to travel to. NEW ZEALAND, SAN JUAN ISLANDS & ALASKA.

Do you know how to ice skate? YES, ALTHOUGH I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE BECAUSE MY ANKLES ARE TOO WEAK.

Name something you like that's out of the ordinary. THE SMELL OF A BARN. FISHING. BEACH COMBING. GARDENING. ITALLIAN CHARMS. THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

Is bigger really better. NOPE. IT'S THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN. MY MAN IS HUNG THOUGH SO I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

What do you think of Brad Pitt? HE'S COOL. I HAVE A PIC OF HIM NEKID...HEHEHE.

What color are your toenails. FUCK ME DEAD RED BITCHES.

Do you own anything with a skull on it? NO AND IF I DID I'D GIVE IT TO THE MAYOR, SHE LIKES THAT KINDA STUFF!

Last movie you watched. "NACHO LIBRE" MY BABIES! I LOVE MY SOME JABLES, HE IS MY HERO.

Where were you when you had your first kiss? GOSH I DON'T REMEMBER. MY FIRST KISS WITH TONGUE THOUGH WAS OUT ON THE STREET INFRONT OF MY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BY SOME BLACK PREPPY DUDE I HAD THE HOTS FOR AND KNEW ABOUT 4 HOURS...OMG! PSSHHT...please.

Last board game you played? SCRABBLE BITCHES AND I BET I BEAT YOUR ASS!

Leather or lace? LACE THESE DAYS. LEATHER IS FOR MY CAR SEATS.

Ever had a black eye? NO. I GIVE THEM. BOO-YA!

Have you ever worn fishnet stockings? FOR HALLOWEEN & SHIT I SUPPOSE. I AM JUST NOT EDGY I GUESS. SLUTTY, YES (ONCE). EDGEY, NO.

Friday, October 27, 2006

An Inconvenient Truth

This dude rocks...just-a-sayin'.

So I had a hot ass date tonight. My husband is outta town, I was feelin' lonely and frisky so I ventured out on the town with my good buddy Neal. He ditched his old lady and we rendezvoused at The Mission to see "An Inconvenient Truth", Al Gore's flick. Let me just tell you, it rocked me.

First I shall tell you about The Mission. I had never been there. It was very relaxing and comfortable. You get to chill and drink kick ass microbrew or any other spirit of your choice AND knosh on fine foods, all while watching your film of choice. Ingenious I must say.

Now the movie...

Brilliant I tell you. If you were not sure about global warming before, you will be after watching this. Fuck politics. This is not a political issue, it is a moral issue. "It is difficult for a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. - Upton Sinclair" That is the only reason someone would say global warming is a "liberal myth". That or their blind sheep-like robot partisan bullshit beliefs. That kind of thinking is what got us here. THE PROOF IS DISPLAYED RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES. There is no denying it.

Please. You MUST see this. I am begging you.

WHAT IS GLOBAL WARMING?

Carbon dioxide and other gases warm the surface of the planet naturally by trapping solar heat in the atmosphere. This is a good thing because it keeps our planet habitable. However, by burning fossil fuels such as coal, gas and oil and clearing forests we have dramatically increased the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere and temperatures are rising.

The vast majority of scientists agree that global warming is real, it’s already happening and that it is the result of our activities and not a natural occurrence.1 The evidence is overwhelming and undeniable.

We’re already seeing changes. Glaciers are melting, plants and animals are being forced from their habitat, and the number of severe storms and droughts is increasing.

The number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes has almost doubled in the last 30 years.

Malaria has spread to higher altitudes in places like the Colombian Andes, 7,000 feet above sea level.

The flow of ice from glaciers in Greenland has more than doubled over the past decade.

At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles.

If the warming continues, we can expect catastrophic consequences.

Deaths from global warming will double in just 25 years -- to 300,000 people a year.

Global sea levels could rise by more than 20 feet with the loss of shelf ice in Greenland and Antarctica, devastating coastal areas worldwide.

Heat waves will be more frequent and more intense.

Droughts and wildfires will occur more often.

The Arctic Ocean could be ice free in summer by 2050.

More than a million species worldwide could be driven to extinction by 2050.

There is no doubt we can solve this problem. In fact, we have a moral obligation to do so. Small changes to your daily routine can add up to big differences in helping to stop global warming. The time to come together to solve this problem is now –
TAKE ACTION.

Thanks for listening...

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Tik Tok Tik Tok...

Good Gravy. 2 months until Christmas...

Where does the time go? I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. "I'm late! I'm late!" Being a super chronic procrastinator makes it much worse. I feel like I am running out of time but I can't get going. I am just...existing. I am working on a recording project (vinyl to disc) for a friend. I am working on a HUGE baby shower for Hoo Ha. I have been dealing with BULLSHIT regarding my scooter lift in my van. I overdrafted my bank account an un-Godly embarassing number of times for the first time in years. That was devestating. I had a bonefide anxiety attack complete with a case of shingles and chest pains. I am prone to those beauties when things get dicey. They did not dissapoint this time. I had to borrow money to cover my ass and I haven't had to do that in years either. That hurt. I have been dealing with the stress of my better 1/2 being out of town 5 days/nights a week for work. Top it all off with the fact that I haven't lost a pound since last I saw my Lung Transplant Dr. & I have to go see him in 3 weeks or so. I was supposed to make a significant dent in the 50lbs. I need to loose. If I don't loose it, they can't help me when I decline. It is my fault, I have nobody to blame. My laziness and apathy could be my demise...oops, my bad. All of these things add up and I find myself in a funk of sorts.

This sucks. It is my favorite time of year. I want to be excited, but I hate what I have become. I don't eat like I should. I don't exercise anymore. I am such a fool. I start to get motivated and then something happens. I have an excuse or a reason/event for every set back. It fucking sucks. I suck! My dog still loves me though! Ah, I'm just so sick & tired of being sick & tired. I don't want to let down the people that love me. They are in the dark. Meaning they don't help the situation. They enable me, they want to believe I will hold steady and not decline. They are in denial you could say. Who am I to burst their bubbles? I need to take responsibilty for my life and get my self where I need to be. I just wish I didn't feel alone in my fight. I don't say that to make my friends and family that read my blog feel bad mind you. I have support and people to talk to. I know I am VERY MUCH LOVED.

I am just afraid of being loved to death...

Bottomline is though it is my life, my responsibility and I need to get busy livin'.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Tara Pup

Super short clip of the Scottie pup we bought my MIL. Gives me baby fever!

Expensive little cuss, but she's cute as a button!

Her Scottie died in July and she has been so lonely so we had to get her a new baby. She thinks she is tough as hell!

Makes me wanna run out and get another furbaby!
(A French Bulldog)

SWANK.

FINALLY uploaded the video I took of our place in Seattle we stayed at. Ultra Swanky. 5 star hotel & shiz. We partied like rockstars I tell ya...

Here is the city skyline at night. It totally reminded me of being in the "Death Star" from Star Wars!

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This Girl's Life

open mind : ~~ignorance~~