Gray Ghosts: May 2006

Life is not measured by the breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

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Monday, May 29, 2006

Straight Tequilla Night

Well, Tonight I break down and finally write a new post.
I was waiting for Mayor to write on first, but after 13 days (and counting) she has yet to flinch. YOU HEAR THAT .MRS.MAYOR OF FIST CITY! YOU WIN! DAMN YOU!
I don't have much going on, bet ya get sick of hearing that one, but it's true! I did procure a treadmill. So now instead of physical therapy twice a week I can supplement it with relaxing walks on the hamsterwheel. I been lifting weights too...but that is another story.

Speaking of stories...
I am feverishly trying to come up with a good one to tell you...have been for days now. All I can manage to squeeze out of my mellon is an episode I like to call "My Straight Tequilla Night".

I was kindofa spoiled kid. I got a truck for my 15th birthday. It really wasn't mine though til I was 16, but when that magic day finally came, you couldn't keep me home! For a spell the Mayor of Fist City resided with me and it was cool...until we each had an entire bottle of champagne and she says (and I do not remember this) that I told her I wanted her to move out. If I did say it, and I'm not saying I did, it was the Cooks talking, thats all I can I say.

Anywho, back to the Mayor. So there was this older boy, one of our friends brothers, we called him FatBack Donnie Porker. He would buy us booze in hopes of getting into Mayors Guess jeans when she passed out. Most times he'd buy us Boones Farm or Mad Dog 20/20 but one particular night he got us some tequilla. We went up to Crown Point out in the boondocks where the cops know the kids go to drink. I took a biggie cup from Wendy's where we all worked and filled it with 1/2 OJ and 1/2 tequilla and proceeded to drink the entire concoction in 15-20 minutes. I was hammer city in 60 seconds flat. Mayor being slightly buzzed herslef I am sure, allowed FatBack to toss my drunk ass in the back of my truck so he could have easier access to Mayors said Guess jeans.

Sidebar: Yes, it may have been mean to call him FatBack, but he was a dipshit sleaze bag and deserved it! You couldn't believe a word that fell from his disgusting mouth. Once he tried to tell us all of the stretch marks on his back and titties wer cat scratches...seriously cat scratches? WTF?

OK so here I am in the back of MY truck when F.B. tells Mayor, "SHIT! The cops are here we gotta go!" and she takes off down the winding mountain road with my shivering ass rolling around the back of MY truck. Slamming back and forth into the sides with every turn. NOT COOL. Thats not even the worst part.

SO I am jolted awake by one of the carefuly calculated turns Mayor makes on our descent home and I think to myself, I say "Self, you need to puke." So I hang my head out the canopy window and hurl...over and over and over. Thankfully back then I had good control over my bowels and did not shit my pants for if this were to happen tomorrow...poop fest '06 guarenteed. Mayor made an especially sharp turn and I was throw back into the truck, where I proceeded to finish barfing all over myself. It was in my hair, all over my clothes. Nasty. I don't remember when or where we stopped, maybe she does, all I remember is cleaning the vomit off of my truck the next day. One of many vomit cleansing episodes I was to experience in my teen years. Most are all blurred together, but that one stands out in my memories the most...

And that is why I can not even smell teKILLya to this day. No sir, I don't like it.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

A few things to ponder.

Ribbit.

This big girl is hot...

This big guy is not...

Two words: White Trash...even if they are drunk.

What?! I thought it was cute!

Something does not belong. Something in the sackground.

You can't possibly think this looks good.

I don't wonder where he got the idea to stick his pecker in a tail pipe, but 1. is it still hot and 2. that outfit goes nicely with the shorn ball sack. Somehow, it works.

Young mother hard at work. Pulling double duty. Proof parenthood should require a license.

The first thing that comes to mind is not where did she get the bruise, but why the hell is she wearing a thong? News Flash! You exceed the weight limit for thong usage. Buy a clue.

Sorry for the lame post. I haven't been up to much. I did call Jorge the gardener back and got my yard debris can back...but not my sisters can. Due to our language barrier, I don't think he understood that we wanted 2 cans back, or he acted very well as though he did know we were missing 2 cans. Either way, I don't think I will be seeing her can again. Adios...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Sith Gardener...

Someone is playing Jedi mind tricks on me.

I have a Sith Gardener. First he raped me from behind. I knew it was coming and I let him do it with a smile on my face. He could not have done this if he was not a Sith. Then he "traded" yard debris cans with me. Somehow I got his shit can and he got my brand new can. Go figure. Then today he comes and sprays poison in my backyard to kill Drunkard McTreehugger's blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and before he left he stole my sisters new yard debris can. Nothing he did today had anything to do with yard debris so he had no reason to touch her can.

SO I called him on it. I fucking called Jorge and got his Mexi-machine and left a voice mail. I asked him kindly if he would return both cans. Those cans are sentimental...they held the kegs from my WT wedding. I slapped the city's yard debris sticker on them and they are the best damn cans in my hood. I am so mad at him. I was so nice to him, fed him, gave him beer on the job, let him charge me two arms and a leg for his services and didn't bat an eye. Then he goes and swipes my F'n cans. I oughtta call La Migra on his ass.

Sidebar: I do not give two shits if he is an illegal, I am just being a bitch. He is a hard worker and did do a good job even if I did let him overcharge me...

So, a few things about my fucking asswipe neighbor...

When I was a kid, he had signs in his windows (you could see his windows way back then) that said CAUTION: I AM A VIETNAM VETERAN AND I BOOBY TRAPPED MY HOUSE. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IF YOU BREAK IN...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
He lives at a bar in Troutdale next to his "River Rafting" buisness and is almost never home. Mayors mom knows him (so does Mayor) and they know what a weirdo drunk he is. Oh and he wasn't in Nam for the record so that is no excuse...
He has no less that a bakers dozen cats that live in the jugle habitat wildlife sanctuary he calls a yard. I get to listen to them "serenade" each other at night because my bedroom is closest to his house.
You can't even see his house anymore. It is surrounded by shrubbery. He has trees that the birds "planted" (I say shat) in his yard growing so close to his house they are busting the eaves, through his roof. When we asked him to cut down the cherry sapling growing right on our property line he said no. Mother nature put it there.
I have seen rabbits in his yard. Opossums and raccons I can see, but real live wild rabbits? WTF?
He NEVER goes into his backyard, the grass is waist high and the back 3/4ths are lost.
And what pisses me off THE MOST are the blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and going to seed and spreading into my fucking sanctuary! I had to buy poison and pay Jorge to kill them muther F'n things. It could have hurt my dog. Then I would have come unglued, but I was assured after 24 hrs. it will be ok.

I'm going to call somebody...THATS how mad I am!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Global Warming...

God damn it's hot...

It is 1am and it is still hot outside IMHO.
It got up to 93 today.
Ninety-fucking-three bitches! What is this shit? Ari-motherfucking-zona? It's May 15th for Christ's sake. We don't get like this til late July or August...and only once or twice a year if that. If this is a precursor to this summers weather I am in big deep shit my friends. We had threats of snow in March. This is weird shit, proof of global warming I say. Fuckin' Bush...

SO...what is up? Nada. Ventured out into the elements for PT and found out my "Boss" as I call her is leaving me. It is for greener pastures, more hours, better moolah. Can't blame her. I do love her to death and would only venture out into this heat and sit for 30 minutes in a traffic snarl for her guidence and support. She is a slave driver, with a gentle hand and makes me want to work. I hope my next therapist is as inspirational.

Watered the flowers before dinner. My deck and yard are gonna look great this year. Last year I slacked...had no flowers. I was too bummed about the whole lung thing. Which really meant I was depressed because I have a very green thumb and love to garden. This year however I am turning over a new leaf. I have 2 humming bird feeders and have seen them use them twice. I have another regular bird feeder that attracts some nice birds and then my piece de resistance is my squirrel sanctuary! I got 4 squirrel feeders! They are so fat and cute! I already got the dog and cat trained to chase them. No, they stalk them. It is so fun to watch.

I also got some veggies going. 6 different mayter plants, a few zookinnis and artichokes. Some peppers too. This summer is gonna be nice. Lotsa BBQ's planned. Can't wait. Good Times!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Oedipus Complex?

Mothers Day came early to our house this week...

I know my husband knew it was Sunday and not Thursday, early Friday am...but he could not resist and gave my mom her present a little early. I know, how sweet!

Sidebar:For those of you that don't know, I LIVE WITH MY MOM. Always have. I'm not ashamed either. She rocks. Mike is hardly home these days with his new job, I don't/can't do laundry or housework in general anymore and I compensate her well for her help, so I am ok with it. I think even if I wasn't "disabled" I'd still be proud to live with her.

So anyway let me give you a little history. My man is a hard sleeper. He wakes up disoriented half the time in a puddle of drool. He once Sunday punched me in my sleep because he woke up startled and didn't know where he was. Another time The Mayor got him so drunk he slept straight through a trip to the bathroom after he passed out...if ya know what I mean. Poor baby.

SO last night he was extra tierd and went to bed and fell right asleep. Around 3am he wakes up to go potty. He crawled over me to get outta bed and did his thing and then crawled back over me and got into bed and fell fast asleep again. Only it wasn't me he crawled over, it was my mom. Somehow he got turned around and headed into her room, crawled over her and got back into bed and fell fast asleep. Butt naked.

Mom is usualy a light sleeper, and to her credit did wake up a bit when he crawled over her, but dismissed it as our fat Weimaraner that likes to sleep with her Grammy when mom and dad get too frisky for her and she gets kicked outta bed. Who knows how long they cuddled before mom realized Fisher was a little bit bigger than usual, and breathed a little more heavily than normal. A few elbows to the back and a friendly "Your in the wrong bed honey" and Mike climbed outta her bed and apologized with his junk in his hand and stumbled back into our bed...rejected.

If you know my husband, try not to mention I blogged about this episode. I don't care if you tease him about it, just don't tell him I told everybody else about it. How do you like that picture of him hard at work? Looks eerily like the late John Belushi don't he? He is actually much hotter when he isn't wearing a silly helmet or squishing up his face. Ooh Sunday is Mothers Day, so don't forget your mom. I asked, and no, crawling into bed to cuddle her does not count as a gift. I still gotta buy her something.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hola Bitches...

I'm back.
Let the fun and games begin!
OK so where was I...yes, I was in Reno my babies.
5 days of gambling and all you can eat buffets. We stayed with our friends in their mini-mansion on their fancy schmancy golf course. They are super sweet folks, I kid. Gracious hosts with a lovely home. We would have stayed longer, but we missed our furbaby! Fisher P. was so happy to see us when we got home.

Sorry, had to go all mommy blog on you for a sec.

Anywho, so the show I saw was funny as hell! Carlos Mencia. He is like our generations George Carlin. Makes it a point to piss off everyone equally. An equal opportunity offender if you will. He's got his own show on Comedy Central.

If you get the chance, check out his live show. It is uplifting. Seriously.

So yeah, I played mini-golf and got not 1 but 2 hole-in-ones. I am taking my A game on the road. Going on tour. I got a gift. Maybe it was the altitude, or maybe it was my mad skills. Either way, the chumps I played got beat by a girl on oxygen AND a scooter. Just sayin'.

Another highlight of my road trip was people watching in the casinos. Namely the "ladies" if you will.

What the fuck. I saw some of the craziest shit. Who do these girls think they are fooling? If you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig. Am I right? I do not want to see your secret spots. Like in Vegas, you better hope what you wearin' in Reno stays in Reno. Nasty sluts. Rolls for days...MY EYES.

So I see my blogger buddies continued on without me! I'm crushed. At least Willie and Nihilly noticed my absence and sent messages.(Get it? Willy Nilly? HA!) Oh I can't forget Tickers and Mayor too. Thanks for noticing! I missed you all. My friends had a Wi-Fi router problem and what with the altitude I was in no shape to climb the stairs to their desk top. I thought the wireless withdrawls would be unbearable, but I managed just fine!

Ooh one more thing...
The night before I left town, I had my first date with DaTilla.
Our spouses were present, but that didn't matter. We had a great time. Good BBQ, drinks and good friends. I was so happy to finally met him and his lovely wife. Neal and his old lady were there too! Good Times...and Thanks for the lovely rose. ;^)

P.S. I know you commented on The Mayors blog and I will be ULTRA offended if I don't get a comment too...

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This Girl's Life

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