Enforcer
The world is spiraling out of control.
Rules need to be made.
And enforced.
Here are a few that get my vote:
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water you pretentious pricks. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Scotch over ice, let it melt. There's your flavored water.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much dudes care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, nuff said.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys & girls who have sex with their hot-ass teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. You gotta be desperate go to that overpriced burnt coffee shit hole. But if you walk into a Starbucks and order "An Iced Triple Grande Sugar-Free Vanilla Breve Latte" ooh, you're a huge pretentious asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "Beef with Broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant or positive...You're not spiritual. You're just a douche.
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time my grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
I'm still thinking on this one and no, I didn't think 'em all up.
Some people find shit on the internet and claim it for their own.
At least I let you know I didn't shit all that out on myself.
(I hope somebody gets that.)
TeeHeHe.
Rules need to be made.
And enforced.
Here are a few that get my vote:
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water you pretentious pricks. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Scotch over ice, let it melt. There's your flavored water.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much dudes care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, nuff said.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys & girls who have sex with their hot-ass teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. You gotta be desperate go to that overpriced burnt coffee shit hole. But if you walk into a Starbucks and order "An Iced Triple Grande Sugar-Free Vanilla Breve Latte" ooh, you're a huge pretentious asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "Beef with Broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant or positive...You're not spiritual. You're just a douche.
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time my grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
I'm still thinking on this one and no, I didn't think 'em all up.
Some people find shit on the internet and claim it for their own.
At least I let you know I didn't shit all that out on myself.
(I hope somebody gets that.)
TeeHeHe.
posted by DogMa @9:00 PM
1 Comments:
Most of them were Bill Maher's, but I love them anyway!
Hey, that last pic, I think I know where it was taken! I believe it's snapped along A1A in Ft. Lauderdale, right across from Beach Place!!!
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