The Great Cart Wars of Wal*Mart
I can't believe I forgot to tell you about the fight I got into at Wal*Mart!
Ah...some of my best work ever.
Just to set the story up for you, I am cold, it is late very late, it's Christmas Eve Eve and I need to shop. So we go to Wally World. I get there and Mrs. Jabba the Hut is camped out on 1 of 2 carts, the other one has an out of order sign on it. I sweetly ask Large Marge if she coul heft it on over to the dead cart so I could have hers and she says no, this one is dead and I'm waiting for my husband to bring me one. (poor poor man) Anywho I go out the door and tell mom we are gonna have to wait and to go on without me, I'd catch up. I go back in, Fatty 2x4 is gone so I sit in her spot on the dead cart. And wait.
Soon an old bag, we will call her Bitches McGee or BM, comes strolling in. Yes, strolling. I see nothing wrong with this old bag except for the fact that she is probably an alchoholic and just old to boot. Anyways she strolls up to me with the quickness and says "You coming or going?" I said "This cart is dead, I'm waiting for THE NEXT ONE to come along, I've been waiting along time, they say they got 7 carts." She gets pissy and disgusted and putts around me for a minute, then she dissapears. She looked able-boddied so I figured he went to shop.
I wait another 20min. and decide to try out this dead cart and I go around the corner and see her chatting up some poor old lady in a cart thats checking out. She's been sitting on a bench infront of the registers. I hurry back to the cart parking spot and park the dead cart and the poor old lady comes around the corner being helped by someone. That bitch took her cart!
I was hot. I had been waiting almost an hour! So I wait up front looking for her and finally another person on O2 comes along and I wait with her in line and take her cart when she leaves. Mom comes along and I say "I gotta go find somebody, I'll catch up to you..." and off I went.
After searching for a good 15-20min. I see BM through the crowd. I make my way to her, she goes down an isle in the mens section. I run up on her and ram into the back of her cart. Full on bumper cars! I say "Woops! Glad to see you got a cart." BM says "Uhh, glads to see you got one too." She was scared, you could see it. I said "You know you stole that cart right out from under me, you waited up front, knowing I was waiting by the doors for the next cart to come along." BM says "I did not, you had your cart!" "Uh hello?! I was sitting sidways on a cart and you asked if I was coming or going and I told you that cart was dead!" BM says "Your crazy, you don't know what your taking about!" Then I say "God is watching you and he knows what you did. Your house is gonna burn down Christmas Day and your kids are gonna get killed by a drunk driver and I hope you get a brain tumor you fucking bitch." Totaly calm and cool, staring her down the whole time. Then BM's daughter walks up and gets in my face telling me to calm down, that I don't know what I am talking about. I say no you weren't there, you don't know what we are talking about! I flip them the bird, call them fucking bitches, people are gathering around the mens section now, someone says "Somebody go get somebody, they gonna fight!" I am flustered and stand up and try to manuver my cart outta the isle and get tangled up in clothes. Flip the bird and hollar out "Fuck you BITCHES!!!" and scoot off...
I get around the corner and hear 2 ladies talking about us and I zip up to them and say "She stole that cart she is on from me and I tracked her down and told her about heerself!" They said "Good for you!" HA! Take that BM you old HAG! I scoot off and find mom...of course she is mortified even though she was not there and had nothing to do with it. She even trys to defend BM and I tell her fahgeddaboudit! She stole it from me bottomline! I finished up my shopping and didn't see BM again. I hope she still thinks about what she did and doesn't forget me for a long time...
Did she actually think she deserved that cart more than me? HELLO! I'm on oxygen fool! I can't go far! I sure do hope to run into her again. Mike was so proud of me. He said "Thats my girl!" I totally pulled a page outta his book, he uses that one all the time except he says I hope your kids get Leukemia. HA! Ruthless!!! I sure made for interesting table talk for 2 days and everyone got a big kick outta it. Nobody could believe I'd say those things, but I was pissed! I dun got jacked! Don't mess with the handicapped bitches!!!
Ah...some of my best work ever.
Just to set the story up for you, I am cold, it is late very late, it's Christmas Eve Eve and I need to shop. So we go to Wally World. I get there and Mrs. Jabba the Hut is camped out on 1 of 2 carts, the other one has an out of order sign on it. I sweetly ask Large Marge if she coul heft it on over to the dead cart so I could have hers and she says no, this one is dead and I'm waiting for my husband to bring me one. (poor poor man) Anywho I go out the door and tell mom we are gonna have to wait and to go on without me, I'd catch up. I go back in, Fatty 2x4 is gone so I sit in her spot on the dead cart. And wait.
Soon an old bag, we will call her Bitches McGee or BM, comes strolling in. Yes, strolling. I see nothing wrong with this old bag except for the fact that she is probably an alchoholic and just old to boot. Anyways she strolls up to me with the quickness and says "You coming or going?" I said "This cart is dead, I'm waiting for THE NEXT ONE to come along, I've been waiting along time, they say they got 7 carts." She gets pissy and disgusted and putts around me for a minute, then she dissapears. She looked able-boddied so I figured he went to shop.
I wait another 20min. and decide to try out this dead cart and I go around the corner and see her chatting up some poor old lady in a cart thats checking out. She's been sitting on a bench infront of the registers. I hurry back to the cart parking spot and park the dead cart and the poor old lady comes around the corner being helped by someone. That bitch took her cart!
I was hot. I had been waiting almost an hour! So I wait up front looking for her and finally another person on O2 comes along and I wait with her in line and take her cart when she leaves. Mom comes along and I say "I gotta go find somebody, I'll catch up to you..." and off I went.
After searching for a good 15-20min. I see BM through the crowd. I make my way to her, she goes down an isle in the mens section. I run up on her and ram into the back of her cart. Full on bumper cars! I say "Woops! Glad to see you got a cart." BM says "Uhh, glads to see you got one too." She was scared, you could see it. I said "You know you stole that cart right out from under me, you waited up front, knowing I was waiting by the doors for the next cart to come along." BM says "I did not, you had your cart!" "Uh hello?! I was sitting sidways on a cart and you asked if I was coming or going and I told you that cart was dead!" BM says "Your crazy, you don't know what your taking about!" Then I say "God is watching you and he knows what you did. Your house is gonna burn down Christmas Day and your kids are gonna get killed by a drunk driver and I hope you get a brain tumor you fucking bitch." Totaly calm and cool, staring her down the whole time. Then BM's daughter walks up and gets in my face telling me to calm down, that I don't know what I am talking about. I say no you weren't there, you don't know what we are talking about! I flip them the bird, call them fucking bitches, people are gathering around the mens section now, someone says "Somebody go get somebody, they gonna fight!" I am flustered and stand up and try to manuver my cart outta the isle and get tangled up in clothes. Flip the bird and hollar out "Fuck you BITCHES!!!" and scoot off...
I get around the corner and hear 2 ladies talking about us and I zip up to them and say "She stole that cart she is on from me and I tracked her down and told her about heerself!" They said "Good for you!" HA! Take that BM you old HAG! I scoot off and find mom...of course she is mortified even though she was not there and had nothing to do with it. She even trys to defend BM and I tell her fahgeddaboudit! She stole it from me bottomline! I finished up my shopping and didn't see BM again. I hope she still thinks about what she did and doesn't forget me for a long time...
Did she actually think she deserved that cart more than me? HELLO! I'm on oxygen fool! I can't go far! I sure do hope to run into her again. Mike was so proud of me. He said "Thats my girl!" I totally pulled a page outta his book, he uses that one all the time except he says I hope your kids get Leukemia. HA! Ruthless!!! I sure made for interesting table talk for 2 days and everyone got a big kick outta it. Nobody could believe I'd say those things, but I was pissed! I dun got jacked! Don't mess with the handicapped bitches!!!
posted by DogMa @11:31 PM
29 peeps humping my leg...
