Gray Ghosts

I'm still breathin'!

2007-02-10T03:39:00.000-08:00

Just dropping by to let ya'll know I appreciate your concern about my absence! Your too kind. I got into a funk I guess...quit blogging. My sister had her baby 2 months early and she was in the hospital 50 days. Doing GREAT now. My little Peach. I love her like my own.

As far as my health goes I have gotten no closer to my weight loss goal of 50 lbs. to get those new lungs. I did buy a treadmill and it is set up now and I shall start to use it this weekend. I may have declined a bit in the breathing department these last few months, but I'm hanging in there don't worry. Now if I could only get my sleeping patterns under control!

I hope to make it back here more often. I feel bad for abandoning this place. I miss it. Here are some pics of my Peach, Kaylee Ray. She's my precious angel.

Random Spew...

2006-11-05T02:10:00.000-08:00

50 random things meme...for your viewing pleasure.

1. Where is your dad right now?
It's 12:am, he is in bed at his house SNORING. God damn that man can saw some logs!

2. Last time you kissed someone?
Tonight I kissed 4 people, NONE of which were my husband! My mom, my step mom, my mother-in-law and my Gramma.

3. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
This disease is going to kill me if I don't lose 50lbs so I can get a transplant. It is not going to just "wait" for me either....

4. what color is your watch?
Silver COACH braclet w/ 12 diamonds and mother of pearl face...it was a surprise! I am spoiled rotten I know.

5. do you like anyone?
I like ALOT of peeps, I LOVE my husband though, he takes good care of me.

6. Are you close to your mom?
HELLS YEAH! HELLO!

7. Where does your best friend work?
One @ trucking dispatch co. and the other at A BAR I WON'T NAME (but hopefully not for long!)

8. What are you listening to right now?
KKK members on the History Channel light a cross and spew hate-speach. Lovely....The will burn in hell I am sure...at least I hope.

9. What do you smell like?
L'Occitane Lemon Verbena Baby! It's my new favorite scent. Crispy and clean and fresh, I just love it

10. What color are your pants?
I am wearing a baby blue flowered long john outfit someone got me for my bridal shower last year. I just discoved it. Super warm & soft!

11. Have you ever done a chinese fire drill?
Oh yeah, once I remember on Kane Drive by the college on the way to a footbal game! GO RAIDERS! It involved my truck and Scott H.'s Mustang and we all got out and ran around and switched cars and shit! Those were the good old days!!!

12. What color is your bedroom flooring?
Tan, except for the dog bed, that is sage.

13. Do you have a chair in your room?
No, my bed takes up the whole room pretty much.

14. What time of day were you born?
In the evening. Mom had been in labor going on 24 hrs. and the Dr. said she was not ready yet so he went out to dinner. Thankfully another Dr. came by and checked on her and said this baby is over due and they are going to die if she doesn't come out NOW. So he took me cesarian and my dad almost went to jail that night because of what he was going to do to the Dr. that went to dinner!

15. Do you know anyone who is engaged?
No but I wish my sister was....HINTHINT

16. What's your favorite number?
7 I guess.

17. Do you know someone named Lori?
Lori Degan used to share a fence with me and her mom was my babysitter back when I was 5.

18. What color is your mom's hair?
S & P and dark brown.

19. Do you have a dog?
HELLO! HAVE WE MET?! My furbaby is Fisher P. Lovebone, she is a 3 year old Weimaraner and the love of my life!

20. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
TONS and now I teach them to Rhiannon my niece. She loves to sing!

21. When was the last time you went swimming?
Late 2003 before I was put on o2. We have a hot tub though and I can go in there.

22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
Today we had a brunch for Potpourri, he turned 30, and I talked to Hoo Ha there.

23. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yeah, just outdoor school.

24. Do you play an instrument?
Does the skin flute count? I KID! I'm married, now, I don't need to do that.

25. Do you like fire?
Yes I am a fire bug. I have a fire pit on the deck for the summer and a woodstove we use in the winter.

26. Are you allergic to anything?
Bullshit and Republicans, but they are basicly made with the same ingredients...

27. When was the last time you cried?
Tuesday when my boy and I talked about my breathing getting worse...we both broke down.

29. Have you ever been to a spa?
Yes, when I stay in fancy hotels with my boy and he makes me go get my hair and nails did.

30. Did you take science all four years of high school?
Yes I love science. Earth Science, Marine Biology, Oceanography, Anatomy and Physiology

31. Do you like butterflies?
Yes, C-man released them at my wedding and Jim tattooed a big one on my leg with my sister! They are infinity symbol butterflies!

33. What is one thing you miss about your past?
OMG....everything. Breathing normaly, walking at a normal pace, too much stuff to list I tell ya. Some of it funny, most of it is kinda sad so I won't go there.

34. Have you ever seen a counsler?
Yes indeedy. Everybody should.

35. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
Yeah I used to teach the kids at my mother-in-laws daycare little lessons, but my RA got too bad and I had to quit.

36. What is one thing you've learned about life?
It's short, and unfair but beautiful, wonderful and special and I want to live it the best I can for as long as I can!

37. Are you jealous of anyone?
No, not really. I wish I was thin, I wish I was healthy and could have babies of my own and do all the things I want to do, but I wouldn't say I am jealous of those kinds of folks.

38. Is anyone jealous of you?
Gosh I hope not, thats crazy.

39. Ever been stuck in an elevator?
Yes, at the Oregonian with Rick H.!

40. What does your dad call you?
My Girl, other nicknames that are just abbreviations of my given name.

41. What does your mom call you?
Esther, other silly names she can make out of my name. She can make a silly song out of anything, she is whack!

42. What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
An Inconvenient Truth....It's the truth about Global Warming. It will rock your world. YOU MUST SEE IT.

43. Has a friend ever used you?
Oh maybe, but that was years ago. Who cares.

44. Has anyone recently told you that they like you
Oh I'm sure they have.

45. What have you eaten today?
A hot cake, a sausage, some red taters at breakfast. Then at Dinner I had the Weightwatchers steak & chicken skewer dinner at Applebees and a bowl of French onion soup. It was delish! I was full.

46. Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Curly

48. Who was the last person you drove with?
My mommy, home from the play we saw.

49. What are you looking forward to?
Getting new lungs and living a full life!

50. How are you today?
Well, I hate to say it because I hate to worry my peeps, but the last few weeks I have changed. I hope it is just a flare up, but my breathing has gotten worse. It is tough to do things I used to do and I am worried. I go to see my transplant Dr.s on the 17th. I hope and pray that he sees I am going to loose the weight and get to the place where they can give me the lung transplant if/when I need it!

A helluva man...One helluvan American.

2006-11-01T00:43:00.000-08:00

He has earned the right to speak...hear him out.
(Got this one from Stewbert.)

After Pat's Birthday
Kevin Tillman Honors Late Brother's Birthday with Plea to Speak up for Democracy

by Kevin Tillman

It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we get out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:

Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.

Kevin Tillman joined the Army with his brother Pat in 2002, and they served together in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pat was killed in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004. Kevin was discharged in 2005.

Meme from the big J.C.

2006-10-28T02:40:00.002-07:00

Yes...Jesus talks to me and he told me to post this meme. So there.
Sorry it's in all caps. Really I'm not yelling.

Someone knocks on your door at 2am, who do you want it to be? AN OLD FRIEND THAT WANTS TO RE-CONNECT? OR ED MCMAHON TELLING ME I WON PCH...BUT HE USUALLY COMES DURING THE DAY.

Your boss tells you he/she will give you a $20 raise if you'll do your job naked, do you stay and take the raise? HELL NO. I HAVE BEEN WITH THE SAME MAN 8 YEARS AND HE HAS NEVER SEEN MY ENTIRE BODY AT ONE TIME NUDE. I DON'T WANNA SEE IT SO WHY WOULD I LET SOMEONE ELSE!

Put yourself in a nutshell. OH, I'M ULTRA LAIDBACK AND EASY GOING. TOO NICE I SUPPOSE.

Ever see a ghost? I THINK SO.

Happy with your body? HELL MOTHER F'n NO. IT HAS BETRAYED ME!

A reason to move to Iceland. TO GET BETTER HEALTH CARE? TO GET AWAY FROM OUR GOVERNMENT? I DUNNO MUCH ABOUT ICELAND EXCEPT FOR BJORK IS FROM THERE...

A place you've lived that you miss. I'VE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE MY ENTIRE LIFE...NO SHIT.

A job you'd never do, no matter how much you were paid. EXECUTIONER...HUMANS OR ANIMALS.

A band/group you thought was cool when you were 13. PRINCE, MADONNA, MILLI-VANILLI!

You have a nightmare, who's the first person you think to call? MIGUEL, ALTHOUGH HE HATES TO LISTEN TO MY CRAZY RAMBLING DREAMS. ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHERE HE CHEATS ON ME!

Wanna have kids before you're 30? I'M 31 AND MY EGGS ARE SCRAMBLED FROM THE CHEMO, MY ONLY KIDS ARE COVERED IN FUR.

A memory from high school. FOOTBALL GAMES ON FRIDAY NIGHTS! WORKING AT WENDY'S WITH MY BEST FRIENDS, THAT WAS SWEET. SOCK-HOPS.

Ever had a crush on a friend's parent? MAYORS DAD WAS QUITE HANDSOME & DISTINGUISHED I'D SAY. HIS SMARTS MAD HIM EVEN MORE APPEALING. CAN'T SAY I HAD A REAL CRUSH HOWEVER.

Do you look more like your mom or dad? I DON'T KNOW. MY DADDY I THINK. ALTHOUGH THERE ARE PICTURES OF MY MOMS AUNT BACK IN THE 40'S AND IT LOOKS JUST FRIGGIN' LIKE ME. IT IS SPOOKY I TELL YA.

Something you've always wanted to learn to do. SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE OR PLAY AN INSTRUMENT. THAT WOULD BE SWEET.

How you'd like your life to be in 10 years. SHIAT...I JUST WANNA BE BREATHING ON MY OWN BE WITH THESE LUNGS OR NEW ONES. I WANT MORE DOGS AND I WANT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY NEICE TO BE.

Something you learned this year. LIFE IS SHORT SO GET BUSY LIVIN'. OH AND I'M GONNA BE AN AUNTY. THAT ROCKS THE HIZZY.

What do you want for your birthday? I WANT TO BE HEALTHY AGAIN. SINCE THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, I WILL SETTLE FOR A FRENCH BULLDOG, PREFERABLY A BLACK MALE NAMED ANGUS...(GET IT?)

Name 4 things you did yesterday. WENT TO THE MOVIES AND SAW "AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH", RECORDED SOME VINYL TO MP3, MADE A BLOG POST...BORING PER USUAL...

Last item you bought yourself. "LEMON VERBENA" SHOWER GEL AND PARFUME FROM L'OCCITANE IN SEATTLE. MY NEW FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE SCENT EVER.

What did you have for breakfast. NOTHING. NO, I HAD SOME TRAIL MIX AND A CHEESE STICK!

Name the last 3 songs you heard. "MOTHER" PINK FLOYD, "THE OCEAN" ZEPPLIN, "LET'S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER" THE STONES. THOSE ARE JUST THE ONES I CAN REMEMBER.

How many hours of sleep do you get each night? AROUND 10. I NEEDS ME SLEEP.

What do you wish you were doing right now? DRINKING A BLOODY MARY, SMOKING CHRONIC AND CIGGARETTES, HANGING WITH MY OLD FRIENDS MAYBE GOING TO "DO SOMETHING"...MY OLD LIFE.

Who's the first person in your phone book on your cell? APRIA MY OXYGEN SUPPLIERS. IN RECENT CALLS THAT WOULD BE MY HUB.

Last time you witnessed a fight? IN PERSON? I DUNNO. PROBABLY WHEN I KO'D THAT DUDE IN 93 THAT CALLED MY FRIEND A FAT BITCH. SHE WAS, BUT THAT WAS NOT FOR HIM TO SAY. I WATCH UFC RELIGOUSLY THOUGH...

Name 3 places you'd like to travel to. NEW ZEALAND, SAN JUAN ISLANDS & ALASKA.

Do you know how to ice skate? YES, ALTHOUGH I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE BECAUSE MY ANKLES ARE TOO WEAK.

Name something you like that's out of the ordinary. THE SMELL OF A BARN. FISHING. BEACH COMBING. GARDENING. ITALLIAN CHARMS. THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

Is bigger really better. NOPE. IT'S THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN. MY MAN IS HUNG THOUGH SO I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

What do you think of Brad Pitt? HE'S COOL. I HAVE A PIC OF HIM NEKID...HEHEHE.

What color are your toenails. FUCK ME DEAD RED BITCHES.

Do you own anything with a skull on it? NO AND IF I DID I'D GIVE IT TO THE MAYOR, SHE LIKES THAT KINDA STUFF!

Last movie you watched. "NACHO LIBRE" MY BABIES! I LOVE MY SOME JABLES, HE IS MY HERO.

Where were you when you had your first kiss? GOSH I DON'T REMEMBER. MY FIRST KISS WITH TONGUE THOUGH WAS OUT ON THE STREET INFRONT OF MY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BY SOME BLACK PREPPY DUDE I HAD THE HOTS FOR AND KNEW ABOUT 4 HOURS...OMG! PSSHHT...please.

Last board game you played? SCRABBLE BITCHES AND I BET I BEAT YOUR ASS!

Leather or lace? LACE THESE DAYS. LEATHER IS FOR MY CAR SEATS.

Ever had a black eye? NO. I GIVE THEM. BOO-YA!

Have you ever worn fishnet stockings? FOR HALLOWEEN & SHIT I SUPPOSE. I AM JUST NOT EDGY I GUESS. SLUTTY, YES (ONCE). EDGEY, NO.

An Inconvenient Truth

2006-10-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

This dude rocks...just-a-sayin'.

So I had a hot ass date tonight. My husband is outta town, I was feelin' lonely and frisky so I ventured out on the town with my good buddy Neal. He ditched his old lady and we rendezvoused at The Mission to see "An Inconvenient Truth", Al Gore's flick. Let me just tell you, it rocked me.

First I shall tell you about The Mission. I had never been there. It was very relaxing and comfortable. You get to chill and drink kick ass microbrew or any other spirit of your choice AND knosh on fine foods, all while watching your film of choice. Ingenious I must say.

Now the movie...

Brilliant I tell you. If you were not sure about global warming before, you will be after watching this. Fuck politics. This is not a political issue, it is a moral issue. "It is difficult for a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. - Upton Sinclair" That is the only reason someone would say global warming is a "liberal myth". That or their blind sheep-like robot partisan bullshit beliefs. That kind of thinking is what got us here. THE PROOF IS DISPLAYED RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES. There is no denying it.

Please. You MUST see this. I am begging you.

WHAT IS GLOBAL WARMING?

Carbon dioxide and other gases warm the surface of the planet naturally by trapping solar heat in the atmosphere. This is a good thing because it keeps our planet habitable. However, by burning fossil fuels such as coal, gas and oil and clearing forests we have dramatically increased the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere and temperatures are rising.

The vast majority of scientists agree that global warming is real, it’s already happening and that it is the result of our activities and not a natural occurrence.1 The evidence is overwhelming and undeniable.

We’re already seeing changes. Glaciers are melting, plants and animals are being forced from their habitat, and the number of severe storms and droughts is increasing.

The number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes has almost doubled in the last 30 years.

Malaria has spread to higher altitudes in places like the Colombian Andes, 7,000 feet above sea level.

The flow of ice from glaciers in Greenland has more than doubled over the past decade.

At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles.

If the warming continues, we can expect catastrophic consequences.

Deaths from global warming will double in just 25 years -- to 300,000 people a year.

Global sea levels could rise by more than 20 feet with the loss of shelf ice in Greenland and Antarctica, devastating coastal areas worldwide.

Heat waves will be more frequent and more intense.

Droughts and wildfires will occur more often.

The Arctic Ocean could be ice free in summer by 2050.

More than a million species worldwide could be driven to extinction by 2050.

There is no doubt we can solve this problem. In fact, we have a moral obligation to do so. Small changes to your daily routine can add up to big differences in helping to stop global warming. The time to come together to solve this problem is now –
TAKE ACTION.

Thanks for listening...

Tik Tok Tik Tok...

2006-10-26T01:11:00.000-07:00

Good Gravy. 2 months until Christmas...

Where does the time go? I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. "I'm late! I'm late!" Being a super chronic procrastinator makes it much worse. I feel like I am running out of time but I can't get going. I am just...existing. I am working on a recording project (vinyl to disc) for a friend. I am working on a HUGE baby shower for Hoo Ha. I have been dealing with BULLSHIT regarding my scooter lift in my van. I overdrafted my bank account an un-Godly embarassing number of times for the first time in years. That was devestating. I had a bonefide anxiety attack complete with a case of shingles and chest pains. I am prone to those beauties when things get dicey. They did not dissapoint this time. I had to borrow money to cover my ass and I haven't had to do that in years either. That hurt. I have been dealing with the stress of my better 1/2 being out of town 5 days/nights a week for work. Top it all off with the fact that I haven't lost a pound since last I saw my Lung Transplant Dr. & I have to go see him in 3 weeks or so. I was supposed to make a significant dent in the 50lbs. I need to loose. If I don't loose it, they can't help me when I decline. It is my fault, I have nobody to blame. My laziness and apathy could be my demise...oops, my bad. All of these things add up and I find myself in a funk of sorts.

This sucks. It is my favorite time of year. I want to be excited, but I hate what I have become. I don't eat like I should. I don't exercise anymore. I am such a fool. I start to get motivated and then something happens. I have an excuse or a reason/event for every set back. It fucking sucks. I suck! My dog still loves me though! Ah, I'm just so sick & tired of being sick & tired. I don't want to let down the people that love me. They are in the dark. Meaning they don't help the situation. They enable me, they want to believe I will hold steady and not decline. They are in denial you could say. Who am I to burst their bubbles? I need to take responsibilty for my life and get my self where I need to be. I just wish I didn't feel alone in my fight. I don't say that to make my friends and family that read my blog feel bad mind you. I have support and people to talk to. I know I am VERY MUCH LOVED.

I am just afraid of being loved to death...

Bottomline is though it is my life, my responsibility and I need to get busy livin'.

Tara Pup

2006-10-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

Super short clip of the Scottie pup we bought my MIL. Gives me baby fever!

Expensive little cuss, but she's cute as a button!

Her Scottie died in July and she has been so lonely so we had to get her a new baby. She thinks she is tough as hell!

Makes me wanna run out and get another furbaby!
(A French Bulldog)

SWANK.

2006-10-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

FINALLY uploaded the video I took of our place in Seattle we stayed at. Ultra Swanky. 5 star hotel & shiz. We partied like rockstars I tell ya...

Here is the city skyline at night. It totally reminded me of being in the "Death Star" from Star Wars!

Blogging Blahs

2006-10-12T01:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been busy and shit. Couple of projects I am working on. God that sounds pretty friggin' important...anywayz, I'll be back.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

How DOO You Rate?

2006-10-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

Because I care...

Click to enlarge.

For HooHa...

2006-10-05T01:07:00.000-07:00

I am tired of your e-mailed threats. Stop stalking me.

OK so HooHa is my little sister. She has been whining cause I haven't posted since Seattle. I got lotsa pics and video I still need to post, but I have been busy with other stuff and stuff. So until I get my shit together and post about my tripS this little post is going to have to tide you over. (I went to the beach last weekend and had no internet really so I also need to post about that.) ANYWAYZzzz tonight before I hit the sack, I need to make a quick post for my whiney little sister. Please keep in mind the poor kid has to get up at 3A.M. to start work at 4:30. Ain't that some bullshit. Thats what time I friggin' go to bed! She gets bored at work so she logs on here to see whats new with me and cause I'm so god damned funny.

My sister has become my best friend you could say. We used to fight alot as kids, but we grew out of that noise. Don't get me wrong, she can still piss me off and I know there are things I can only say to her cause I know she will always forgive me. It is that kind of unconditional love that makes her so special to me. She is also having my baby. Well it technicaly is her baby but it's the closest I'm ever going to get to being a mama. She lives next door to me and that is awesome. I am going to be very very sad when she and Pope move because their family is growing and they need a bigger house. Popes daughter Rewind has become a special part of our lives as well. She is a little angel and we love her to pieces. I am so thankfull she has found such a sweet fella with such an awesome kid to bring into our family. You see I didn't get along so well with her ex-fiance and he just didn't mesh with our family like Pope does. It is important to me (and HooHa too I'm sure) that our folks like him...and they do.

When I was first diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis she came to the hospital to sit with me every single night for 4 weeks and 4 days. She brought me Taco Del Mar every night too and that I think is the only reason I am still alive today. She also helped me and my family deal with the stark reality of my problem. She helped us stay strong when we all wanted to break down and cry. She also has given us the wonderful beautiful gift of a brand new baby girl. This baby is not only hers and Popes. Well I guess legaly it is, but you get where I'm going with this. We have been wanting and needing a baby in our family to spoil rotten for a long long time. I'm just so happy that we all get together all the time and everyone gets along and truly loves eachother. When it comes right down to it, family is all you got. Most friends come and go, except for a handfull of important, special ones that you can't get rid of no matter what you do to them. Family though, thats forever...even when your gone.

Thank you HooHa for everything you have done for me and for being the best little sister a girl could ever ask for. Thank you for having my baby and thank you for taking care of me when I need it most. I love you forever, a bushell and a peck and a hug around tha neck.

This may be my last post...

2006-09-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

For tonight I died and went to heaven...

So I am staying up here in Seattle with my hubski. He is setting up for the Seahawks/Giants game this weekend. I get to tag along cause there is no flying involved. It is nice staying in a 4 star hotel and getting pampered like the friggin' queen of Sheba! Tomorrow I have a full day planned what with highlights at 7, the salon. A pedi and a mani. What is a girl to do...

So last night was delicious. We went to The Cheesecake Factory. I never knew one existed. WTF? Nobody told me. Anywho, I had the Hibatchi steak and Wasabi mashed taters with Shitaki shrooma and bean sprouts. DE-LISH. Then for desert (DUH it was THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY for christs sake!) I had NOT cheesecake but something so divine it could only be called a F'ing slice of heaven. I'm talking about Chris's OUTRAGEOUS Chocolate Cake! It was a layer of choco cake, a layer of filling made of coconut and crushed pecan, a layer of cake, a THICK layer of choco coconut CHEESECAKE, a layer of filling again and then another layer of choco cake. Spread another bit of the filling ontop and call it icing and add some chocolate ganache swirls for shits and giggles. HOLY SHIT. It has taken me 3 sittings to finsh the SOB.

Tonight we went to TODAIS! There is one in my town but I had never been. I think I OD'd on snow crab and sushi. TO DIE FOR. It's my new favorite restauraunt. I am entirely too full to blog about it right now, I must go lay down and level out. Tomorrw I think we may try The Melting Pot...a Fondue joint...YIKES! I shall keep you posted!

ALSO in breaking news, Cousin Matt sent me this tid bit. Being a BIG FAN I am upset and don't know how I feel just yet. I'll talk to you about it tomorrow!
This is some heartbreaking news...

I'm Riiich Beeeotch!

2006-09-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

Stole this from Mr. Toastmeister!

My blog is worth $14,113.50.
How much is your blog worth?

Who wouldda thunk it! I don't know how or why I am worth so much, but I am not gonna argue. Do you know why?

Ok Go!

2006-09-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

This is how my work-outs usually go...

This is how I usually kick it in my backyard...

I used to rock like this, but I get wicked motion sickness...

Saw these guys on Conan I believe. They are funny dudes. I like them cause they don't take themselves too seriously ya know. I think these guy were (or secretly wanted to be) cheerleaders in high school. Killer work out I bet. Ok Go. Even their name is silly. It's cool to be silly. Ya Heard?!

What up Dog?

2006-09-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

I love me some Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Did ya hear? He got arrested yesterday. BULLSHIT I tell ya. Fucking Mexico. To hear the story go to MSN videos and scroll down to "Most Watched" on the right hand side and you can hear all about it. (There are 2 clips.)I love the dude. I'm bummed that the U.S. is allowing this to happen. Sign the petition to LET THE DOG OUT!

Incase you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the gist of it.

I found this one for DaTilla...(no need to thank me.)

Fisher P. Lovebone for President!

2006-09-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

PLEASE, please vote for my baby girl!

CRAZY EYES! (clicky here!)

That there is my daughter, my Furbaby, the O.G.G. (original Gray Ghost)! She is in a dog photo contest. There are some lame dogs beating us right now and I need to enlist your aid in stopping the utter madness. Is she not the cutest? My litte Peaches McGee, my Weazy Peazy, won't you vote for her?

*MWAH* Thanks babe.

State Fair! (revisited)

2006-09-10T01:51:00.000-07:00

Uploaded pics from HooHa's cam tonight...ENJOY!

Kids these days...can you imagine? your own DVD?

The deer/goat whisperer...

This is close enough dad.

The FUN House...not the HAUNTED House. Got it?

Gramma Griff & Rewind!

ICE CREAM!

Buddies!

I can't wait until we do it again. We got the Christmas Bazzar at the EXPO Center, that will be fun. I'm just lucky I have a family that A. all live in the same state pretty much & B. can stand each other! Feel the Love!

Your killin' me...

2006-09-08T02:17:00.000-07:00

Dear republican friend and/or relative,

I love you. Don't misunderstand this letter. I do love you.
It is because I was brought up proper, to love all of God's creatures, that I can forgive you for your transgressions. Why you hate so much is beyond me. You name your hate "patriotism" & "christianity" when in fact is is fear & ignorance. I'm not mad at you, I feel sorry for you. You do not love this country more than I do and you are not a better christian than I am. I don't have the time or energy to discuss the finer points of politics and religion with you any longer. Suffice to say I have more important things in my life to worry about.

Stop sending me right-wing propagand e-mails, they make me sick. It breaks my heart to think you really believe this stuff. Everytime you do, I shall find the truth about whatever it is you are trying to spin, and then forward you (and every person in your cc: list) a copy of said truth.

I do not mind pressing #1 for English. I only wish our fore fathers could have pressed a key on the phone to make their transition into American easier. Unless your name is Pocahontas or Sitting Bull, you too are an immigrant. Oliver North did not warn congress about Bin Laden in the Iran-Contra hearings, and a democrat did not shut him down and ignore the warning. Jane Fonda did not give the POW captors the slips of paper she was handed while visiting the POW camps in Nam either. Please start thinking for yourself. Please stop perpetuating the lies and hate.

I love you, but it's like you are brain washed. You don't even want to hear the truth. You forward this spam like a good conservative robot. I hope you wake up and leave the flock. One day, something will happen to make you change your views...I hope. Until then, know I love you and respect your right to believe whatever you want to believe. Please respect mine, and please STOP THE SPAM.

~ Love, DogMa

State Fair!

2006-09-05T01:10:00.000-07:00

My trip to the Orygun State Fair!

When I was a kid we would go to the state fair for my birthday every year. Ride the rides and eat the delicious fair fare. It was a highlight of my youth! I have not been in probably 10 years and this year we decided to make the trip about 1 hour south to the fair. We had so much fun, even though it was 94 degrees, we vowed to return every year from now on and make it an annual event again. I am super stoked. Here are some of my favorite pics from the day.

Mike & Rhiannon with Billy, my favorite goat.

Smiley girl, my chauffer for the day.

Chopper pilot.

Merry-Go-Round!

Buckle up for saftey!

Whee!

Ticketed for boating w/o a license...

Petting zoo with Uncle Mike.

Cutie-Pa-Tootie!

Never turn your back on an Emu...

Pope's got ROAD RAGE!

Haunted House = Bad Idea

Bambi!

My goat Billy again.

The major thing I came away with from the day was how much I love my family...and that I need a goat of my own to love. HooHa has more pics I need to download from her camera, so stay tuned.

Crikey Mates...

2006-09-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

I can't believe he's gone.

I loved the dude. I love Animal Planet and watched his shows all the time. At least he died doing what he loved to do. He was goofy yeah, but I think he had cojones and most of all passion for something he believed in...and it was something important. His wife Terri was from a town south of here and they got married here. They had the cutest kids too. Especially his daughter Bindi. She was a real firecracker! Just like her Pa. It feels weird to me, almost like freaking Elvis has died or something. I just can't believe it.

Facial Recognition

2006-08-31T01:28:00.000-07:00

This thing says I look like these people...riiight.

Please bare in mind the camera and steroids have added approx. 10lbs. to my face and neck region. Therefore I do not know how accurate this comparison is. Do not attempt to use it for scientific purposes. (Plus I just woke up when Mike snapped this pic and I need my slut stripes touched up.)

I wonder what it is measuring...the symetry of my eyes? The mega fatness of my cheecks? The non existent upper lip? I know many peeps don't like their portrait taken, I am at the top of that list, but this is nutty. I do not look like any of these beautiful women. Rosie O'Donnel, Rosanne Bar, even Star Jones. I could see it comparing me to those faces but I doubt the system even has those mugs in it's data base. GEE...I can't imagine why not.

Nextime I will do my hair and make up...maybe even leave my oxygen tube plugged in.

New photo software...

2006-08-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

I have been fooling around with some pics...

We had a garage sale last weekend and gutted the house in the process. Mike found some $100 photo software he bought me ages ago. Microsoft Digital Image Suite 10. Whatever that means. I do not know whatI am doing, but it is fun to mess around. Here's a pic or two I have edited:

Technical Difficulties...

2006-08-29T00:55:00.000-07:00

So I have been F ing with my template.

It seems I have done something odd to it. I have lost my right sidebar. My blog roll, my flickr badge, all sorts of goodies. Please bear with me until my personal designer has the time to fix it for me. Thank you for your patience.

Dahlia pics

2006-08-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the many pictures I took yesterday. Enjoy!

Here are a few of my most favorites. (click to enlarge)

Happy Berfday to ME!

2006-08-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

I turned 31 today peeps...WORD.

They asked me what I wanted and I said flowers.

So, we went to the Swan Island Dahlia festival! They are the largest grower of dahlias in the United States. Dahlias are me favorite favorite flower. There are a bazillion varieties and sizes from 1 in. pompoms to 12+ in. dinner plate styles.

Mom, HooHa & Rhiannon rode with me and we met Patsy my othermother and my cousin and her fella there. Rewind and I rode my scooter around the farm and through the exibit hall taking over 200 pictures and picking out the flowers we want to plant next year.

There were booths with food and flowers and stuff. There was kettle corn and a beautiful koi pond. There were dogs, a gorgeous Ibizan Hound and a WEIMARANER! I didn't get any pics of the dogs, but here are a few of my favorites from the day.

(Click on the pictures to enlarge them.)

HooHa and my new baby.

Rhiannon looking sweet.

I will post some more pictures of my favorite flowers later...Cheaters is about to come on and I gotta watch that shit!

Strict Machine

2006-08-22T03:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in love with a strict machine...

Weird hunh? I know but I love it. It's Goldfrapp, I just discovered them. I heard the song on the new commercials for this season of Nip/Tuck and then I heard it again on a Verizon phone commercial. RAD.

Happy Birthday!

2006-08-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

3 of my bestest buds celebrate their births today 8/20. Alas they are all dirty Leos and not sweet Virgos like moi. Why they couldn't wait exaclty 1 week to be born on my birthday, I will never know. Rude, yes, but I love them just the same...

One of them likes big boobies...

One of them likes cowboys, especially ones without shirts...

And one likes Brad Pitt, especially Brad Pitt NEKID! (Who doesn't?)

Happy 31st, 53rd, and 35th birthday's (not necessarily in that order) to Tilla, Stacey & Christy! You are all very near and dear to my heart and I hope you have a wonderfull new year! You deserve it. I LuVs Ya!

SNAKES on COCAINE!

2006-08-19T02:02:00.000-07:00

They let the fame go to their tiny little reptile brains...

Outside the Viper Room later that night...

Will you still love me tomorrow...

WOW!
(I stole it from here.)

My best buds...

2006-08-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

On the best day of my life!

I'm bored...

2006-08-17T00:46:00.000-07:00

So take this meaningless poll...

SWEETEST. POST. EVER.

2006-08-15T03:31:00.000-07:00

Just stole this gem from Tits McGee, is this rad or what. NOW DO IT!

If you read this, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of YOU and ME.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog or whatever and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you!

No abortion I ever had cost $1,5000...that's highway robbery. Just sayin'.

Cheaters!

2006-08-15T00:30:00.000-07:00

My new FAVORITE FAVORITE show...Cheaters!

Here in my town it is on Sunday's at midnight. It's so friggin' aswesome, like COPS for adulterers instead of tweakers! Here is a synopsis of an episode...

BOB HAMIL
Lately Bob has noticed that his girlfriend, Lacy, has been acting weird. He isn’t sure if she’s trying to phase him out of her life, or if she’s shutting down and turning away. He feels he can’t communicate with her like he used to. Lacy is unemployed, but Bob does not think that she’s taking advantage of him by letting his money support them both. She helps around the house and makes sure it’s cleaned up when he gets home, but she seems to be taking her time finding another job. For the past four or five months, the relationship has definitely been different. Bob recalls when he and Lacey were walking through a mall about six months ago. They had been dating two and a half years at that time, and when they passed a jewelry store, Bob suggested that they go inside to check out wedding rings. He wanted to gauge her reaction, but she didn’t give him very positive feedback. She kept walking and changed the subject, which made Bob feel like maybe she wasn’t interested in long term and was just killing time with him. Bob contacted Cheaters because he can’t keep living his life in ignorance. If something is going on, he needs to know the truth. He cares too much about Lacey to be treated this way. The surveillance shows Lacy meeting the same gentleman, Rob English, on several occasions, locking lips and cozying up. After seeing the truth captured on a hidden camera, Bob confronts the pair on a restaurant patio. The men fight on the street and on a city bus before Rob walks away from Bob and the Cheaters crew. Lacy leaves alone.

This is Joey Greco, the host of the show. He is your best friend and confidant. He want's you to know the truth...no matter how bad it hurts, you deserve to know. He's wack! The dude has gone to jail for not leaving a restauruant when asked. He has been stabbed by angry cheaters that don't appreciate being caught. He is a martyer for the cause! Do you suspect your lover of cheating? Go to the website! They'll hook you up! You can even get Cheaters merchandise and shit and become a "member" (I sadly am NOT) and get exclusive info & shit, I dunno...Hell they even got a dating service for the broken hearted!!! YOU NEED TO SEE THIS SHIT! Here are the Air Times for your area.

I even ordered the box set! 24 episodes of ass whooping! UNCENSORED! Scumbags gettin' what they deserve! I LOVE IT! God Bless Reality T.V.!

Oh and I found this for Mayor while is was looking for pics of cheaters...she of all people will appreciate it! I gotta get her riled up for the new season!

***GO SEAHAWKS!!! ***GO GREEN BAY!!! *** F the REST!!!***

It's all about me.

2006-08-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

Stole this from the Lady Muck

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	DogMa
Birthday:	8-27-75
Birthplace:	Orygun, P town
Current Location:	East P town
Eye Color:	Hazely Green
Hair Color:	Brown with Slut Stripes of Blonde
Height:	5'8'' or 9'' on a good day...
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Rosco
Your Weakness:	Kids & Dogs.
Your Fears:	Dying Slowly
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Loose 40-50lbs.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	How late is it?
Your Best Physical Feature:	My feet.
Your Bedtime:	Psssht riiight.
Your Most Missed Memory:	Playing with my friends in the neighborhood
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi, but I prefer Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Taco Bell
Single or Group Dates:	Single, It doesn't matter really to me.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Diet Arizona Peach or Green Tea all day baby.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolatte
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee with lotsa cream and Splenda
Do you Smoke:	I wish
Do you Swear:	Fuck yeah.
Do you Sing:	Not anymore
Do you Shower Daily:	No. I AM BEING HONEST! I don't DO ANYTHING to get stinky. Every other day works.
Have you Been in Love:	Sure am.
Do you want to go to College:	Been there done that more than once...
Do you want to get Married:	I just did.
Do you belive in yourself:	I do.
Do you think you are Attractive:	Sorta.
Are you a Health Freak:	Fug...I'm trying.
Do you get along with your Parents:	ABSOLUTLY.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	YES!
Do you play an Instrument:	The skin flute.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	1 or more Bloody Mary's I imagine.
In the past month have you Smoked:	I wish.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	I ate some toast with Cannibutter on it...didn't do much.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Sorta
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	FUCK NO.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	HELL I wish. They are my fave, but alas they are forbidden.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	YES! I ate octopus, tuna, salmon, and smlet roe!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nah
In the past month have you been Dumped:	I take them...wait whats the question?
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	NEVER IN MY LIFE.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Yes. Humming bird food. WHAT?
Ever been Drunk:	Duh...
Ever been Beaten up:	No, I do the ass kicking thank you.
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes.
How do you want to Die:	Fast and in my sleep.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Alive.
What country would you most like to Visit:	New Zealand
*more bollocks..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Green
Favourite Hair Color:	Brown
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	tall
Weight:	yes
Best Clothing Style:	none
Number of Drugs I have taken:	7 not prescribed to me...and too many legal ones to count.
Number of CDs I own:	I steal my music off the web like a good American.
Number of Piercings:	4
Number of Tattoos:	2
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many to list, but 2 or 3 big ones I'd like to take back.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Mommy Blogging

2006-08-13T00:43:00.000-07:00

Rhiannon took some pics of Fish tonight

She is a genuine photohound! I can't believe she is only 4. We are fixing up our first digital camera to give to her to practice with. Cheaper to print off the pics here than get them developed at Wallgrens! Fisher met another Weim girl at the dog park today. She was stunning. Taller and much more slender than my Peaches. It has motivated us to get back on the wagon and loose some weight! Just look at these rolls!

Like my coral toes?
We then took it to the hot tub and splashed it up a bit. I am teaching her to float on her back. She's a waterbug. Fisher was pretty upset. She doesn't like me to give any attention to anyone but her. She settled down after a bit and just licked at the water and watched us longingly...

There's a little pic I took I like to call "SlutHound". Seriously, that is how she sleeps on the couch. On her back, spread out like a little whore, showing her goodies to the world. Mama's girl.

My Backyard.

2006-08-12T02:13:00.000-07:00

Here in the Pacific N.W. we don't have to worry about hurricuns or tornaders or earthquakes.
We have VOLCANIC EPISODES...

This may be a pic of MT. St. Helens in Washington state, (I was just informed it looked like Mt.Ranier and #2 looked like a mountain in Alaska) just a hop, skip & a jump away from me. She has been experiencing some gastrointestinal difficulties these last few months. I remeber when she blew back in 81. I had to wear a mask everytime we went outside and mom had to shovel ash so we could get outta the driveway. It was like a nuclear winter.

I'm not scared of an eruption. Sure it will happen one day. Mt Hood is actually closer to me, but she hasn't spoken up in a long long time. All mountains have seismic activity now and then, but we don't (I don't) live in fear on the big one happening...again.

Be sure to click on the pictures to get a better view!

My Dear Pets...

2006-08-11T01:14:00.000-07:00

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Sassy Bin Laden & Fisher P. Lovebone,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine or feline
attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the another dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

And Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Blogging Blahs

2006-08-10T02:31:00.000-07:00

I wish my lungs were this pretty...

I can't think of anything to blog about these days...
We have gutted the house preparing for a garage sale. That is good. My life is so full of clutter, this will be a welcome change. I am feeling run down and I think my capacity for exertion has dwindled. Thats not so good. Breathing should not be something you worry about, let alone think about...

No sir, things sure haven't turned out the way we thought they would now have they? I am not speaking only for myself, I'm just ruminating on our lives in general. For example. This month (in 17 days) I shall turn 31. *GASP* It's the downhill slide from here on out. I am officialy elderly and boy don't I fucking feel like it. (Especially when I have to stop 1/2 way down the hallway on my way to the bathroom to rest for a spell.) See the way I had it planned, I was gonna be having kid #2 right about now and getting kid #1 ready for kindergarten. Most of my friends had their spawn early and for that I am greatfull. It has allowed me to watch them grow and become little people. I love them one and all, as if they were my own because infact they are the closest thing I have at the moment to kids of my own. (Until my sister has my baby...I mean her baby) SO yeah, life had other plans for me I guess. Sure it's dissapointing when shit goes all cockeyed on you and life throws you a big fat curve ball. Like oh say, a deathly illness or a divorce or a scortching case of herpes. My point is...it's not the end of the world. You are allowed a "grace period" to feel sorry for yourself...and thats it. There is too much to do and too many people depending on you to let it go on too long. I let myself feel sorry for the cards I got dealt a little everyday, but then I gotta get over it. The dog needs feeding and the tomatos need wattering. They would die without me...(at least I tell myself they would, they aren't human children, but they keep me going.)

Ah. I also worry about my friend. I hope she is gonna be alright. I love her.
Wish we could go back to the good old days. NOT WAY BACK! Just you know...4 years maybe? I dunno. (Too far back could be disasterous!) Hopefully things will look up soon. We have people counting on us.

Like this day...
(Sorry I was late, I'll probably be late to my own funeral!)

Amazingly Accurate...

2006-08-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

Latest Polling Shows Bush Losing Core Supporters

WASHINGTON June 15 - President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of voters who until now have stood firmly with the president.

A new Gallup poll shows that Bush's approval rating has fallen below 50% and now stands at just 44% among total fucking morons. This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just last December when 62% of total fucking morons expressed support for the president and his policies.

The current poll, conducted by phone with 1,409 total fucking morons between June 4 and June 8, reveals that only 44% of those polled believe the president is doing a good job, while 27% believe he is doing a poor job, and 29% don't understand the question.

Faltering approval ratings for the president among a group once thought to be a reliable source of loyal support makes Republicans nervous about the upcoming mid-term elections.

"We've got a big problem if we can't depend on the support of total fucking morons," says Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), Total fucking morons are a key factor in our electoral strategy, and an important part of today's Republican coalition."

"We've taken the total fucking moron vote for granted," says Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL), "and now we're paying for it." Feeney says the poll is a dire warning for Republicans. "This should send a signal that we have to regain control of the debate if we want the support of our key constituencies in the coming election and beyond. We need to bring public discourse back into the realm of stupidity and vacuity. We should be talking about homosexual illegal immigrants burning flags. We should be talking about the power of pride. We should be talking about freedom fries. These are the issues that resonate with total fucking morons."

But some total fucking morons say it's too late. Bill Snarpel of Enid, Oklahoma is a total fucking moron who voted for Bush in both 2000 and 2004.

But he says he won't be voting for Bush in 2008. "I don't like it that he was going to sell our ports to the Arabs. If the Arabs own the ports then that means they'll let all the Arabs in and then we'll all be riding camels and wearing towels on our heads. I don't want my children singing the Star Spangled Banner in Muslim."

Total fucking moron Kurt Meyer of Turlock, California also says his once solid support for Bush has collapsed. "He invaded Iraq and all those soldiers died, and for what? We destroyed all their WMDs, but now their new president is making fun of us and saying he's going to build nuclear bombs and that we can't stop him. Well, nuclear bombs are even worse than WMDs, so what did we accomplish?"

Laura McDonald, a total fucking moron from Chandler, Arizona, says she is disappointed that the president hasn't been a more forceful advocate of Christian values. "This country was founded on Christian values," she says, "but you'd never know it with all the Mexicans running around. I thought Bush was going to bring Jesus back into the government. Instead, Christians are persecuted worse than ever before in history because all these Mexicans come here and tell Christians that we have to respect their religious beliefs. So now it's illegal for children to pray in school. Soon it will be illegal for them to speak English."

Not all total fucking morons have turned their backs on the president. Jeb Larkin of Topeka, Kansas says he still fully supports Bush. "He is doing a great job. He is a great president. He is a great decider. I have a puppy. His tail sticks straight up and you can see his butthole."

And not all Republican lawmakers are concerned about the poll, Sen. Lamar Alexander (R- TN), for one. He agrees that the Republican party should not take total fucking morons for granted, but he says they "really don't have anywhere else to go. Just try having a conversation with one of them about global warming. They'll say, 'Oh, but Rush says volcanoes consume more ozone than humans do.' I mean, they're morons! Total fucking morons!"

"They've got nowhere else to go," Alexander reaffirms with a smile, "and they always vote."

My kids at play...

2006-07-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

Please disregard the toys strewn about...they are spoiled.

Sassy Bin Laden and Fisher P. Lovebone

Fish does not like Sass to hide and when we ask where she is at, she goes and looks for her. Like most cats, Sassy has a fetish for cardboard and plastic and finds this empty Vita Water case a cozy spot. Fisher though is not having it!

Here it is a YouTube incase you got a WHACK MAC!
I KID! LOVE YA JOEL & SARA!

Sass & Fish @ YouTube

Uh, WOOPS...sorry, I was drunk when I took that picture!

An Artist is Born!

2006-07-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

Today we did ART!

Rewind came over while Hoo-Ha & Pope gutted their place for a garage sale we are having. She brought a plain wodden jewelry box over and some different paints and stickers and stuff. We went out back and proceeded to paint the box and cover it with pretty little girly things. It was super cute, but we wanted to do MORE!

So we asked Uncle Mike and he gave us a cool wodden jar we painted red with silver glitter on top. Then she wanted to write his name on it and Love Rewind. That is the nickname he gave her one night because she was repeating herself over & over like kids do!

That wasn't enough though so we took a white coffee mug and painted the names of everyone in our family on it! Even Sassy Bin Laden and the dogs. (We also put Baby on there for the little brother or sister she is going to have!)

The coolest thing we painted though was a 12inch vinyl record sleeve the DJ Dirty Mike had in his collection. He has become quite the mix master and has extra blank sleeves for his records. We were so impressed with her work, we put it on E-Bay...NO SHIT.

Clicky here to see her auction! -> REWIND in the HOUSE!

We will give FREE SHIPPING (1/2 price international) to any bidder that mentions this blog. They money goes to Rhiannon's School Clothes Fund for this coming school year! We are going to go to the craft store and get more paint and goodies, and she is gonna be a power seller on E-Bay! Who knows...maybe we can put her through college this way!

She is also a great photographer. She can take the best photos with any cell phone camera. I am so serious. I am getting her a camera for Christmas. (Probably sooner since I am not not known for my patience!) Anywho, I think she has talent and an artistic eye. Rhiannon Rocks!

Happy Birthday DogGrandMa!

2006-07-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my momma'a B-day. She turned 57 years young!
As you can see, she is a photo-whore and loves her picture taken!

She has been dying to go to Caprial's Bistro ever since she found out Caprial & John (from the OPB cooking show) were from Orygun and had a restauraunt here in town. Let me tell you the theme for the night was Spendy & Trendy. So Mike & I took her and IT WAS TO DIE FOR. First we had a Melange of 6-7 different types of cheese, nuts, berries & compote on house made crackers. Washed down by designer drinks like passion fruit puree martini w/ coconut flake and candied mandarins, marion berry margurita & dirty blu cheese olive martini's. Then came the salad. Lightly grilled onion, aged blu cheese, yellow pear tomatos, frise & colrabi. I liked the sesame orage vinagrette. The soup was a chilled cucumber something er other but I passed. Mike & I had well seasoned, thick & rare flat iron steaks atop herb & garlic smashed Yukon Gold taters with a balsamic vinagrette and white wine reduction. Madre had grilled swordfish and an exotic grilled veggie mix. It had some kinda sauce I don't remember. Miguel had an unsweetened (for the most part) mottled lemonade drink. The wine selection was mind boggling. We had a great time. My mom is awesome. She was the mom everyone wished they had cause she let us get away with murder and cooked weiner wraps. We passed on desert, though they looked divine and I regret it now. We opted for Ben & Jerry's. I threw rocks at my friends window from the parking lot but I don't think he heard me, or he saw the oxygen, realized who it was, AND DECIDED TO HIDE!

BOO-YA!

We got home about 8pm and I put on my PJ's and crawled into our "guest bed" (aka. Cousin Matt's room) for some reason with mom to watch TV. Then we were gonna hot tub. I took a booze snooze and didn't get outta that bed once until 10am!!! HELLO! It was a great night though. She is at the casino tonight giving my inheritence to the Indians. GO MOM!

She didn't think it was funny that I transposed the numbers in her age. How rude.

I still haven't blogged about last weekends Pig Roast. GodDamn it was hotter than hell. About 2/3 of the folks that usualy come canceled. Atleast I didn't have to talk about the tube in my nose all day. It was ok though, we got drunk and played horseshoes till dark, then we went swimming with a small child...who did infact survive. The food was excellent...for white trash fare. I'll get around to it later. Rewind, I mean Rhiannon is coming over to make 'Smores before bed. Can you say sugar high. Thats why I borrow my two legged kids...

I keep the 4 legged kind cause fur hides bruises.

Gardenin'

2006-07-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

Took some pics when I was watering tonight.

My Artichoke is blooming.

Click picture for a close up. They are neat flowers, er, um I mean vegetables?

I got some petunias.

Lotsa cosmos.

This pic doesn't do this purple verbena justice.

...or this pink one for that matter.

This is my breast cancer pink geranium.

Pete. My dragon.

I don't know what this is, but it's pretty.

One of my favorite containers. I love succulents.
The pot on the right is full of herbs. No. Not the good kind.

Oh and check out Fish, she wouldn't look at the camera. Moody bitch.

Speaking of Fisher P. Lovebone, she met another Weim at the dog park today. Honey Girl. She loved me. Fish wasn't having it. She pushed between us and barked in Honey's face. I swatted her butt and told her no, but it didn't phase her. Ain't nobody gonna touch her mama. This is exactly why we can't get another dog. She is a selfish spoiled brat. WOOPS.

Shit makes sense...

2006-07-26T23:51:00.000-07:00

I came across this piece, read it, and it all made sense. READ IT if you give a shit...you got time.

BLOOD IN BEIRUT: $75.05 A BARREL

The failure to stop the bloodletting in the Middle East, Exxon's record second-quarter profits and Iran's nuclear cat-and-mouse game have something in common -- it's the oil.

By Greg Palast
July 26, 2006

I can't tell you how it started -- this is a war that's been fought since the Levites clashed with the Philistines -- but I can tell you why the current mayhem has not been stopped. It's the oil.

I'm not an expert on Palestine nor Lebanon and I'd rather not pretend to be one. If you want to know what's going on, read Robert Fisk. He lives there. He speaks Arabic. Stay away from pundits whose only connection to the Middle East is the local falafel stand.

So why am I writing now? The answer is that, while I don't speak Arabic or Hebrew, I am completely fluent in the language of petroleum.

What? You don't need a degree in geology to know there's no oil in Israel, Palestine or Lebanon. (A few weeks ago, I was joking around with Afif Safieh, the Palestinian Authority's Ambassador to the US, asking him why he was fighting to have a piece of the only place in the Middle East without oil. Well, there's no joking now.)

Let's begin with the facts we can agree on: the berserkers are winning. Crazies discredited only a month ago are now in charge, guys with guns bigger than brains and souls smaller still. Here's a list:

-- Israel's Prime Minister Ehud Olmert's approval rating in June was down to a Bush-level of 35%. But today, Olmert's poll numbers among Israeli voters have more than doubled to 78% as he does his bloody John Wayne "cleanin' out the varmints" routine. But let's not forget: Olmert can't pee-pee without George Bush's approval. Bush can stop Olmert tomorrow. He hasn't.

-- Hezbollah, a political party rejected overwhelmingly by Lebanese voters sickened by their support of Syrian occupation, holds a mere 14 seats out of 128 in the nation's parliament. Hezbollah was facing demands by both Lebanon's non-Shia majority and the United Nations to lay down arms. Now, few Lebanese would suggest taking away their rockets. But let's not forget: Without Iran, Hezbollah is just a fundamentalist street gang. Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can stop Hezbollah's rockets tomorrow. He hasn't.

-- Hamas, just days before it kidnapped and killed Israeli soldiers, was facing certain political defeat at the hands of the Palestinian majority ready to accept the existence of Israel as proposed in a manifesto for peace talks penned by influential Palestinian prisoners. Now the Hamas rocket brigade is back in charge. But let's not forget: Hamas is broke and a joke without the loot and authority of Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah can stop these guys tomorrow. He hasn't.

Why not? Why haven't what we laughably call "leaders" of the USA, Iran and Saudi Arabia called back their delinquent spawn, cut off their allowances and grounded them for six months?

Maybe because mayhem and murder in the Middle East are very, very profitable to the sponsors of these characters with bombs and rockets. America, Iran and Saudi Arabia share one thing in common: they are run by oil regimes. The higher the price of crude, the higher the profits and the happier the presidents and princelings of these petroleum republics.

This Thursday, Exxon is expected to report the highest second-quarter earnings of any corporation since the days of the Pharaoh, $9.9 billion in pure profit collected in just three months -- courtesy of an oil shortage caused by pipelines on fire in Iraq, warlord attacks in Nigeria, the lingering effects of the sabotage of Venezuela's oil system by a 2002 strike... the list could go on.

Exxon's brobdingnagian profits simply reflect the cold axiom that oil companies and oil states don't make their loot by finding oil but by finding trouble. Finding oil increases supply. Increased supply means decreased price. Whereas finding trouble -- wars, coup d'etats, hurricanes, whatever can disrupt supply -- raises the price of oil.

A couple of examples from today's Bloomberg newswire are:

"Crude oil traded above $75 a barrel in New York as fighting between Israeli and Iranian-backed Hezbollah forces in Lebanon entered its 14th day... Oil prices rose last month on concern for supplies from Iran, the world's fourth largest producer, may be disrupted in its dispute with the United Nations over its uranium enrichment ... [And, said a trader,] 'I still think $85 is likely this summer. I'm really surprised we haven't seen any hurricanes.'''

In Tehran, President Ahmadinejad may or may not have a plan to make a nuclear bomb, but he sure as heck knows that hinting at it raises the price of the one thing he certainly does have -- oil. Every time he barks, 'Mad Mahmoud' knows that he's pumping up the price of crude. Just a $10 a barrel "blow-up-in-the-Mideast" premium brings his regime nearly a quarter of a billion dollars each week (including the little kick to the value of Iran's natural gas). Not a bad pay-off for making a bit of trouble.

Saudi Arabia's rake-in from The Troubles? Assuming just a $10 a barrel boost for Middle Eastern mayhem and you can calculate that the blood in the sand puts an extra $658 million a week in Abdullah's hand.

And in Houston, you can hear the cash registers jing-a-ling as explosions in Kirkuk, Beirut and the Niger River Delta sound like the sleigh-bells on Santa's sled. At $75.05 a barrel, they don't call it "sweet" crude for nothing. That's up 27% from a year ago. The big difference between then and now: the rockets' red glare.

Exxon's second-quarter profits may bust records, but next quarter's should put it to shame, as the "Lebanon premium" and Iraq's insurgency have puffed up prices, up by an average of 11% in the last three months.

So there's not much incentive for the guys who supply the weaponry to tell their wards to put away their murderous toys. This war's just too darn profitable.

We are trained to think of Middle Eastern conflicts as just modern flare-ups of ancient tribal animosities. But to uncover why the flames won't die, the usual rule applies: follow the money.

Am I saying that Tehran, Riyadh and Houston oil chieftains conspired to ignite a war to boost their petroleum profits? I can't imagine it. But I do wonder if Bush would let Olmert have an extra week of bombings, or if the potentates of the Persian Gulf would allow Hamas and Hezbollah to continue their deadly fireworks if it caused the price of crude to crash. You know and I know that if this war took a bite out of Exxon or the House of Saud, a ceasefire would be imposed quicker than you can say, "Let's drill in the Arctic."

Eventually, there will be another ceasefire. But Exxon shareholders need not worry. Global warming has heated the seas sufficiently to make certain that they can look forward to a hellacious -- and profitable -- season of hurricanes.

10 months...

2006-07-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

Since we said "I do".

Been together bout 8 years now, he's my best friend.
I am so tired of fighting. It's never been like this really. A little tiff here and there yeah, but not like this. I walk on egg shells these last few days. I know I am not perfect and I am ok with that. Now if I could only get him to be ok with that too...

I got some things to work on, it's not all his fault. No, that is not battered woman syndrome talking. I am making an effort. I just hope he does too. I don't know if I could make it without him. I'm not talking about money...I just mean dealing with my disease, life in general. He does alot for me. Physicaly and emotionaly.

I think it will be ok. I think we will work it out. I know how much he loves me.

The Rodeo came to town.

2006-07-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

Spike & Mike hard at work.

Spike came to town yesterday. He is my husbands best bud. They work on the road together and keep eachother sane...well sorta. He is a funny funny dude and I like him alot. Infact he was in our weddding. He's in town for the Pig Roast at my dads Saturday. It is a white trash ho down if I ever saw one. Spike will fit in nicely. He and his wife are mainly here for a Horseshoe Grudge Match with my dad & shit. It might get ugly...seriously.

Speaking of ugly...

We are in the midst of a heat wave here in Orygun. I think it was like 96 today 101 tomorrow and 105 Saturday. WTF. I hate the heat. Today the Mayor, DaTilla and Neal met me at Mayors bar and we had libations and lunch. I had a deep conversation with Tilla, it was very stimulating, he is quite an interesting man. Poor Neal was on duty and had to go to the Dr.'s so he could not drink. He is a big bad fireman EMT, but he knows how to party! Mayor drank her lunch. I limited myself to only two bloody mary's (with extra olives of course). She brought a friend who I liked very much. Her new neighbor. Maybe that is why she hasn't been blogging! She got a life! HA! Well she said she would try to make a post some day.

I will be the blue girl...holding my breath.

My new Fave

2006-07-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

I found it on YouTube.
Now maybe Joel can see it.
Atleast you can stop and start it now!

Not much to say...
I keep fucking up.
Feel out of control.
Does that make me crazy?

The short answer is YES.

Monday (tomorrow) I start over.
I am going to do right by me...I swear.

Lazy Dayz

2006-07-15T01:08:00.000-07:00

I think today will go down in the books as one of the laziest days ever.

Miguel my Spanish pro-golfer hit the links with some buddies so I slept most of the day. I am not even gonna tell you what time I actually drug my ass out of bed. It is far too embaressing. I obviously needed the rest I guess. I was not very restful sleep. I kept having crazy half dreams from the noises around the house and thoughts in my head. I do that alot

I puttered around on the computer for a bit, then I went outside to blow some of the stink off. I wattered my plants for a bit and had a nice long conversation with the dogs. They like to visit when I do my watering, my veggie garden is along the fence and they follow me up and down asking about my day and how I feel. They are good guys. Odin and Elway. Fisher tags along on my side of the fence, but she is so busy chasing sticks and bugs and rocks. She doesn't have time to talk.

That is a picture of Rhiannon my little niece. I titled it "Cornface". I like to give my pictures titles. She loves corn on the cob. This is one of my favorite things about summer. Dinner on the deck, a nice little fire. Kid in the hot tub splashing around. My family means the world to me. I am so happy it has grown two more faces and one more on the way.

She took that one of us together by the fire. I called it "Firelight". She is a whiz with a cell phone camera I tell ya! HooHa and Pope have her every Wednesday and every weekend. Tomorrow we ALL are going up to my dads place and helping him and Patsy get the place ready for Pig Roast 2006 next weekend. It is one of the highlights of my summer I tell ya. I am taking my 50ft. hose with me and actually going swimming for the first time since getting sick. I used to be quite the swimmer. I am very excited. Here is a picture of my old man on a horse at our friends big BBQ last year. I call it "Dad on horse". (Couldn't think of anything better.)

Can ya hear me now?

2006-07-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

I be AudioBloggin.
What do you think? Thinking about making it public for anyone to use to leave a message on my blog. AudioComments if you will?

(I just listened to it...pretty rough. I apologize in advance.)

Equality. What a concept.

2006-07-11T00:40:00.000-07:00

Stole this from the Mongolian Grill lovin' Maven.
Thanks Girl.

Show Your Support
Fuck off if you don't like it.
I didn't ask for your opinion, I'm giving you mine.
Start your own blog Hitler.

Date Night...

2006-07-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

Studmuffin surprised me with a hot date tonight!

What is my Italian Cassinova's idea of a hot date you ask?

Changs Mongolian Grill followed by a expidition soccer match at PGE Park! Not your idea of romance? Well, it works on me. Tomorrow our favorite favorite team (Italy) plays the stinky French for the World Cup, so we got warmed up tonight for the big game.

It was a gorgeous night for a soccer match. The Portland Timbers played an English soccer club, Coventry City. Surprisigly, the Timbers WON! It was tied and came down to penalty kicks and we out kicked their asses!

So we got this mascot, Timber Jim. He is a lumber jack on speed. He runs around with a chainsaw (SERIOUSLY) and saws a round off this huge log everytime a goal is scored. Here he is on his log, getting the crowd to chant one of their many fight songs.

My favorite chant of the night was "Your going-home in a Port-land am-bu-lance". The fans are outragous and quite rabid to be honest. I sat right above the rowdy section and half of the fun was just watching them! Many are drunk, they like to dress the part of soccer hooligans and they have horns and drums and flags and shit. It's quite a spectacle! I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I OD'd on peanuts and spent $15 on Diet Coke. We also had a peanut shell fight, it was so romantic. Here is the goalie carrying Timber Jims log.

Dinner was delish. I love me some Mongolian Grill. I especially dig the plum sauce. It's like sweet Mongolian Katsup. Mmm Mmm Good.

Grand Finale

2006-07-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

So here in Orygun, we have laws about fireworks.
Nothing that flies. Nothing that shoots over 6ft. high...basicly nothing good. It is the Republican firework brigade, buncha killjoys they are.
So what do fine upstanding patriots like ourselves do to celebrate the birth of our fine albeit mis-managed nation?

We go to Washington State Bitches!

That's right. We traveled 101 miles north to be exact to the Chehalis Indian Reservation and contributed $500 (Potpourii & HooHa and Mike & I) to their college fund! Between the casinos, the fireworks and the white lightning, them Indians know how to party! They got it right, they are the true Patriots! God Bless the Native Americans! It was money well spent.

So I took the advice of my readers Matt & Will and went to YouTube to upload the finale they worked so hard on. Seriously Jim (Sherriff of Fist City) Mike & Pope worked their butts off running around in the dark. I am surprised only Pope got a small burn. So here is the video I shot with my camera, there is a HUGE disclaimer/watermark running through the middle of it but please look past it. Watch the whole thing cause the end is the best part. YouTube would not accept it and this is the only way it would take it. I don't know why because I don't know what I am doing. It tells me it won't accept files over 100MB and the file I made that has the BS watermark running through it is less than 100MB so it accepts the F'd up version of course...

We all sat in the backyard and they were in the front yard. It is easier for 3 men to run from the cops than it is for the women & children. We had the fire & were comfy in our ultra cozy chairs and could see the whole show from right over our heads. It was wonderful. This was the best year so far. We had all of the neighborhood watching and even had applause and neighbors come up to us later thanking us for such a sweet kickass show.

Next year will be even better. Jim will have his own pallet of tubes and we wrote down the best of the best things we liked the most and that is what we will buy next year. It is a choreographed dance orchestrated by masters of the art that is the firework.

Grand Finale (This is only a fraction of the entire event!)

Enjoy!

4th of Joo-ly ShinDig

2006-07-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

The 4th is all about the kiddies...
(Til the sun goes down!)

My gorgeous new neice Rhiannon (YES like the song).
Mike calls her Rewind for short, cause everyone needs a nickname.

Deuce on the loose...

The Mayor of Fist City does NOT care what you think about her white sox and black gaucho's with sandals. DEAL!

I had to join in the fun too. Damn my feet are sexyhot.
Those thick sox are HooHa's feet. We didn't wanna get cold!

Deuce stomping un-popped pop-its...they just don't make 'em like they used to.

Pope and Deuce watching Mike light something illegal I am sure.

My new niece and Potpourii shooting a Roman Candle.

This is Crazy Chris, my bi-polar shizophrenic neighbor across the street. He watched the show all night between beers and bong hits and lithium tablets...I will blog about him sometime, dude is WHACK!

This is a short little "legal" kiddie fountain. Our Grand Finale is so long I can't find a site that will host it. I'm still looking. 161MB or 4 minutes 40 seconds long...if you have any advice please dispense it. I can e-mail it, but can't get it posted. Let me just say IT FUCKIN' ROCKED THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Purple Fountain

My new Razr

2006-07-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

Stay Tuned...

I am going to post about our 4th of July kickass shindig complete with a video of our Grand Finale. I just need to tweak some shit. I got some pictures too. It was a success and a good time was had by all!

In the mean time....drool over my sweet new phone!
(Ladies or any dudes that like pink)

I had to get a new phone, I dropped mine in my cereal and it was not working properly. I couldn't hear and it only wanted to charge sometimes and I can't have a tempermental phone in my line of work.

Now, I gotta go. Today is 1st Thursday and my P.A.L.S. (Portland area lung support group) meet and Jim got a transplant! I wanna hear ALL about it.

YEAH FOR JIM!

Have You Seen This Dog?

2006-07-02T23:42:00.000-07:00

This is the look I got last I saw her...

She is one smart cookie. She watched me put Q-tips in my pocket in the bathroom and grab the bottle of ear cleaning solution. Immeadiatly she knew what was up. Now I can't get close to her. I tried tricking her with love, offering treats, snuzzels on the couch...nothing works. She is off in the bedroom, lying on her bed pouting. So I came here to waste a little time. I will get up for some berries in a minute and then we will see. She can't resist the sounds of mamma in the kitchen! THEN I will pin her down on the couch and let the ear cleansing commence! Oh, did you notice the spoiled brats red Coach collar? Trendy bitch she is.

Last night we had a sweet little Q.

(by the way,NEVER tell a woman she can't BBQ)

So anyways the Mayor and Sheriff of Fist City Proper came over and we had libations and tons of good grub. An assortment of deserts, the Sheriff hit the hot tub while we sat around the fire laughing. I was wasted. Good times...till the horrific sound of a car CRASH up the street. Cop T-boned a minivan. Someone was ejected and died. Sad times.

Speaking of Sad times...

That is for my friend. He knows who he is. It is a hug cause he needs one.

Holy Shit.

2006-07-01T00:49:00.000-07:00

So I took this quiz thingamabobber and the results it came up with totally fucking freaked me out...

This thing was so random and off the wall and I answered it honestly and this is what it pooped out. SO. RIGHT. ON.
Spooky...

The HTML is screwy and it posted it way...down...there ~>

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Mom is your soulmate.

You truly love Mike.

You consider Christy your true friend.

You know that HooHa is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Mayor for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Willie is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Stacey is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that DaTilla is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that DaTilla changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think CousinMatt is shy and nonconfrontational. And that CousinMatt has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

Nacho Libre!

2006-06-28T23:15:00.000-07:00

I got my very own UFC fighter in my living room!
Thats what he gets for making me Bloody Mary's all night!
I can't decide if it is the Farmer's Tan or the uber tight Under Armor sleevless T. Could be the cut off shorty short sweatpants, whatever it is, IT'S HOT!

...and here is the money shot!

We are just getting him packed for Daytona. He is sad he has to go, so am I. We make eachother laugh and try to forget about it! He really does have a Mexican wrestler mask like Nacho Libre that Dan & Louis got him in Mexico. It is authentic. I like him to wear it to bed.

Home again, home again...

2006-06-28T18:35:00.000-07:00

Jiggity Jig.

Thats a weird pic of Fisher if she were a parrot. I think it would be cool, because I could teach her to talk to me. I would drive around with her on my shoulder and take her wherever I went. Alas birds are dirty and bad for air quality in the home. Then again so are cats, but nobody seems to care about that. WTF ever.

So we got home and the first thing Mike notices is my sisters yard is mowed and her lawn mower hasn't moved...therefore it was his $300 and something dollar lawn mower that mowed the jungle that was her fucking yard. This is fucked on many levels. First off, she has money she can't touch easily but if something she needed came up she could get it therfore a mower is not out of her price range, she just wants my mom to mow it, or mom to pay my cousin to mow it. Either way it is fucked up and she is probably reading this and getting pissy, BUT SHE HAS NO RIGHT. You are an adult. You did not buy a condo, you bought a fucking house. Nut up and take care of it or ask you babies daddy to help you. I'm tired of my mom wasting her energy on your fucking yard. She even took you yard debris to the dump and sister that ain't free either. Remember Jorge the Mexican Gardener? Mom will never see your share of that $800 we paid his ass. I'm tired of her paying for your fucking lawn care. FUCK.

Do you realize Mike was so fucking mad we almost split up? Yes, it was that bad. Because I defend you and mom, yet I see his point of view. He went so far as to go create a new bank account of his own and shit. He feels like he has been disrespected and taken advantage of. Nobody cares about his feelings. He thinks we just put up with him so we can utilize his money. You people KNEW he didn't want you using his shit. How something like this got so blown out of proportion, I do not know. You are causing added pressure and problems in my marriage that I don't fucking deserve. PLEASE BUY A LAWN MOWER.

I love you and Potpourri to pieces and I do not want to cause a fight, but I can't take fighting with Mike either. Please just do the right thing. Do not let mom do your lawn anymore. If I had the balls I'd say these things to your face, but we always just end up yelling at eachother and for some crazy reason, YOU think there is nothing wrong with what you are doing! Do you want me to tell dad? I will!

There...My rant is over. That was cleansing, now where were we.

Yes, I remember, my homecoming. It was nice, except for the fighting. Fisher was very happy to see her mama and daddy. I did not even recognize my house when I entered. Mom & Cousin Matt painted the living room, dining room, hallway and bathroom. I can't be around paint fumes (I get choked up) so they did it while I was away. They also went to town on the backyard and cleaned the hot tub so it is up and running for the season. We decided to nut up and spring for the Lay-Z-Boy shit I want. An oversized loveseat with reclining foot rests and 2 recliners. It will give us more room if we get rid of the couch. So I am excited for all that. Ooh and digital cable too, just in time for UFC on 7/8. Yipee! I am super stoked for that. Why the major purchases? It is just time for new shit. Our furniture is crap. Makes my ass sore. I need digital cable so I can get on demand shit and pay per view shit. Plus with the new HD TV we got, there are no HD channels on regular cable, so they screw ya that way.

Mike leaves to film the Daytona Pepsi 400 tomorrow. I am excited. We need a break, plus he was fighting with his boss, they wanted to screw him over on his last check, but it's all good now. His job is secure (fo another week!) *wink wink* I think I am gonna throw a 4th of July BBQ. Don't know if it is gonna be friends or family of both. Could do both, my family and friends are very cool...we just wait for the blue hairs to go home before we break out the bong! Kidding...sort of. We are going up to central Washington to buy illegal fireworks from the Native Americans. Them Engines got the good shit baby! Mike puts on a real killer show every year, the neighborhood LOVES it!

I miss my Peaches McGee

2006-06-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

I am ready to come home.
I miss my bee bee gril, my weezy peazy, my snuzzler (I have a 100's of 'em).
I am sure mom and Cousin Matt are taking good care of her, but I miss my little cuddle bum. Nobody loves her like momma do.

The hotel is great, I hav caught up on tons and tons of sleep, I have eaten like a queen, (albeit once a day). I just miss home. I know better now how Mike feels leaving every week. It sucks being home sick.

Well I got some stuff to do, and I have to begin the packing process. The race is over and Mike will be home soon. I still wanna take a shower, I have been lazy today. Time to get my butt into gear.

Photo Bloggin Friday...

2006-06-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

So today I dropped over $200 at the spa...bleh kill me now. Did get the best french mani. Nice pedicure too, sort of a golden red. Then I got a color weave. I initialy was going for reddish golden highlihts. But Mrs. Parton, you may call her Dolly, talked me into blonde. Not sure about it just yet...Anywho, got ahold of some firewire and was able to upload some pics of the trip so far. Enjoy!

Pretty Central Southern Oregon sunset on the way down.

The beautiful Napa Valley.

Crossing this beauty will cost you $5 BOTH WAYS!

Where the Magic happens!

Where more of the Magic happens...

Sweet view out my back door!

Just Relaxin...

My killer new sweatshirt...BUBBA GUMP'S BABY!

Thats all for now. I may go get a massage or something tomorrow. I have decided not to go to the race. It's just to friggin' hot and my Oregon skin is far too fair for the California sun!

Cheez with my Whine.

2006-06-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

I got a touch of Cabin Fever.

To relieve it, I hopped of my scooter and ventured out of my hotel room today. For those of you wondering, my scooter is smallish, dark cherry red and black with a bit of faux wood trim. I goes about as fast as my fella can jog. I love it, but because I don't think I need it, I don't use it often enough. I am too young to need that friggin' thing. Today though I was glad I had it.

After Rosario came to clean my digs, I took a looong hot shower and got dressed. Then I wanted a drink, and I have to have ice, but I did not know where the ice machine was. SO I jumped on my scoot and toodled out my door first to the right for a bit, and then I turned around because I had been traveling a fortnight and found no ice machine. Past my room up the other hall and poof there was the ice room. This hotel is so fancy, they have a room for their ice machine. To call it the ice room is sort of an oxymoron because the temp in that room had to be close to 100 degrees if not more. I was afraid my ice would melt before I could get outta there. I got my ice, got back on my ride, and scooted home again.

This trip to the ice machine did not satisfy my need to roam so I decided to go outside. I tore off down the hall to the outside door and scooted out into the sun. BIG mistake, since I hate the sun. Bleh, too hot. So I drove outside on down to the main entrance and into the lobby. The couches and chairs were filled with snoots drinking wine and talking softly, and staring at me. I think one of them pointed even. I scooted past them giving them the bird and slid up to the bar they had sent up in the lobby. "White Zinfendel please, and fill the glass thank you." I got my wine from Hoots Mcgee who was wearing way too much rouge. (I didn't know anyone under 55 still wore it but I guess they do.) I also scooped up a napkin, unfolded it and filled it with cute little cubes of cheese and wraped it up and put it in my basket. Picked up my vino and flipped the bluehairs the bird again and scooted off back to my room.

The wine was sweet and good and the cheese fabulous...I just called and they have put it away for the night, but you can bet I will be back (maybe more than once) tomorrow night after the spa treatments I signed up for!

ROAD TRIP!!!

2006-06-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm in Napa Valley...
The land of grapes and shit.

I do like wine, don't get me wrong, I love me some wine. I could never live here though. It is dusty and dirty and nothing like home. Oregon is so clean and green and smells so, I dunno, fresh. I love to see new places and vacation and I don't mean to diss California, but let's just say I can see why ya'll are moving North!

The trip down was pretty uneventful. Left P Town about 8pm and got to Sonoma round 6am. Hotel room wasn't ready so I had to sleep 2 hrs. in a rest stop albeit a nice one. Calfornia do have some nice rest stops I'll give 'em that. Got my room, Mike went in to work, and the Oxygen idiots came. Of course they delivered the wrong type of unit. So here it is Wednesday and I am still calling their Sonoma office to get my goods. Slightly bitchy, yet still understanding.

The Hotel is GORGEOUS otherwise. I have taken pictures and stuff but I forgot my card reader AND my firewire so I have to go buy one tonight. There is a spa here too. I am going for a pedi and a mani tomorrow and I may do something with my hair. It is getting gray and needs some help. A colour weave or wash maybe, who knows. They also have like 30 spa treatments to choose from and I may have one of those as well!

I'll blog all about the place when I can upload my pics. Monday night we drove into San Fran and went to Pier 39 for dinner. I wanted Bubba Gumps! Mike always talks about them so we went there. I spent about $70 in gifts alone...sheesh. I hope we can go back during the day so I can take some pics of the city. Gas is like 60 cents more there. Christ on a crutch. How do you do it Stace! (Hope you come home soon, get ahold of me when ya do!)

I will upload my pictures tonight or tomorrow and tell ya more!

WHO ARE YOU?

2006-06-17T01:42:00.000-07:00

Please tell me, I must know...

SO I have been doing some snooping and it seems there are some people checking me out in my area that I do not know! Or maybe I do know you, I don't know. I opened up my comments section to Anonymous comments so all readers may post whats on their mind. Please won't you humor me? Let me know you stopped by and say Hi!

You are from Columbia City...
You are from Sandy...
You are from Vancouver (Wash)...

I know when you stop by, how long you stay, where you came from, where you are going...all sorts of goodies. SO why don't you SAY SOMETHING!

Some other weird stuff. Someone doing a Google search on people loosing their left eye found me. So did someone doing a search on the words Oedipus Complex and the movie Fight Club together. Yikes. Someone searching the keywords "tattoos" & "meisha".?. Dr.Seuss quotes, and Not, Bad & Hemorrhoidectomy. Double Yikes. People looking for stuff on Reno find me too, oh and drunks who Google Bloody Mary also find me. (Guilty.) Today I had a hit from someone doing a Google search on scratches caused by ghost...for which there were 1,010,000 matches. Spooky!

So yeah...Drop me a line why dontcha.

Oh, one more thing. I added a little blog rating thingamajigger down on the right sidebar just above the current Terror Alert Level. Am I HOT or NOT. Rate me if ya got a second. Sweet.

Should I stay or should I go...

2006-06-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

So I got this cold...

Right now it is in my head, literally. Why is this a big deal you ask? Well, breathing don't come easy for me. I can't breathe out of my nose tonight so I have to slip my oxygen tube down to my bottom lip so I can breathe in and out of my mouth. My nose is pretty much useless. Afrin is like acid to my ultra tender nasal tissue and I will only use it, 1 squirt per nose hole, before bed. I was sorta addicted to it for a spell and I try to use it only as a last resort. You should see some of the stuff that comes out of my nose because of the constant flow of o2. I don't wanna gross you out, well I take that back. If I had pics I'd post them. SO...my predicament. Should I tell Mike & mom I feel worse today? If I do I will surley be sent to the Dr.'s with the quickness. I don't think I need to go for a head cold. If it moves to my chest I understand I must go. But this is all part of having a compromised immune system. I still take chemo pills everyday. I am going to catch every bug that comes my way. Thats part of the deal. Plus I have dinner with friends tomorrow night and physical therapy too. I want to be able to go, so I am not going to tell them I am still sick. I will play it cool. If it moves south, I will go to the Dr.'s. This ain't my first rodeo folks. I'm just a little under the weather!

Mama waddn't too sick to take her Bee Bee to the dog park today though! I gotta take my camera next time we go, she is so funny and so cute. She is a huntress. She stalks her quary like a linx. I hang out by the gate cause I don't do the whole "walking" thing much anymore, at least not for any length to speak of. Fish stays in the vacinity and greets each new dog by laying on her belly, head downbetween her feet, eyes fixed and when the dog gets close enough, she SPRINGS TO LIFE and runs first toward the dog, then quickly away from the new dog trying to get it to take chase. It is because of her inherited pointing insticts that we never nurtured. She is so intense. She actually lifts her right foot when she spots Fat Man the squirrel in her yard. She would have been one helluva hunting dog. We didn't teach her that stuff, she was born with it.

Alas she is a princess. Spoiled to the bone. She is bathed with oatmeal shampoo and smells like coconuts. She eats off of forks and plates and sleeps with her head on pillows and likes to be covered up. She doesn't like to be in the rain and has her nails done and ears cleaned weekly. She rides in her van with her name proudly displayed on the side of her window and greets the coffee shack man, the pharmacist, the banker, anyone with a bone and an "Ooh your dog's so pretty!". She is my daughter. I love her more than anything. When I was sick(er) and didn't want to get out of bed most days, I had to because of her. She needed to go potty and needed to be fed. When she was done she'd meet me back in bed and we'd cuddle and doze in and out of sleep all day long til someone made us get outta bed. I am very thankful for her and I think she is part of the reason I am doing better health wise. Her love, my need to spoil her, it makes me feel good. She is my Furbaby.

I be illin'

2006-06-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

Today...

I woke up (still sick) to Suresh from Bangladesh. He works for Dell and is handling my case. I forgot to tell ya, my speakers on my baby laptop went out. Don't fret, they were under warranty. Dell however found a way around it. Punkass bitches. It seems the initial service call for a new mother board was closed, problem not solved. The problem was never the mother board. It was the screen wih the built in speakers. That created a second service call, which was now not covered in the warranty. The warranty expired the 28th and the screen came in on the 2nd. WARRANTY EXPIRED. Oh they screwed me good and hard. I sicked ole One Shot on 'em! You got one shot with Mike. I will not got into details, it was painfull to listen to. He made people cry. SERIOUSLY. In the end, I got a new screen shipped out to me. They wanted to replace my 12 inch with a 15 (refurbished) I promptly said fuck you, size matters and I think the little ones are cute...

I then watched 2 World Cup matches. We are soccer peeps. USA lost their match, but watching the next match Italy (Mikes team) Vs. Ghana made up for the loss. I don't know of another country that produces such beautiful men. I was drooling the entire time. Forza Italia!

Oh yeah Italy won. They were just too sexy.

Then I ordered new checks. I have 3 left, so I figured it was time. I currently have Humane Society checks but this time I wanted something more personal. I got checks with Fisher P. on them! I found a company that will put any picture you want on your checks. They sent me a proof and they are so friggin' cute! Too bad I pay for most everything on line or with a debit card.

What else did I do...I took a shower to clear my head...but then I remembered I can't breath very well in the steam. So with the plugged up head and the hot steam I went into panic mode and had to eject off of my shower stool (yeah I'm 30 & I sit when I shower, BITE ME!) with the quickness and opened the door to let some air in. I almost killed myself. I aborted the mission, dried off and crawled into bed where I slept until dinner.

So now I am up for the night with a stomach ache. I took too many pills. Do not fear. It was not a cry for help. I just want to get over this cold AND the shingles. So on top of the 20 or so pills I have to take everyday to keep breathing, I took 3 pills for the shingles, 4 cold pills for sinus pressure and 2 Mucinex to get the rattling out of my chest. It is very uncomfortable, the rattling AND the pharmaceutical cocktail burning a hole in my gut.

Tomorrow I am going to COSTCO. I love that place. I need to make my list so I must go. If I think of anything funny later, I'll let you know, but this post is going to have to do for the night.

Photo Bloggin Friday...

2006-06-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

Er...um, I mean Saturday.

FINALLY my plates came today. 3 friggin months I waited. Please excuse the dirt, I am going to get her washed this evening. It is the Oregon Salmon plate. Teal with a pink and grey salmon behind the letters. (I should have taken a close up shot.)

This is his old car...I'd post a pic of the CRV but it is at the beach today. Can you tell we like Hondas? You CAN'T BEAT THEM. This car is 6yrs. old and has only depreciated $6,000 since being bought AND it has almost 100,000 miles or it. EAT THAT V.W. & TOYOTA! (Notice I didn't mention an American car cause, well they can't even hang. Sad..BUT TRUE!)

Backyard Nemesis...this is Fat Man. Fisher wants to get him. If I see him out there on the box I say "Fish, he's on the box!" and she sneaks ever so slowly onto the deck and goes on point...then when the time is right...she runs for him and sends him back up the tree!

This is his asshole buddy Blu Jay. This son of a bitch has found my stash of peanuts, sunflower seeds and birdfood. I now have to store it inside. He is worse than a Crow. I watch him bully the cute little song birds and steal Fat Man's peanuts. He takes a nut, hides it, comes back for another. Mother fucker will never remember where he put them.

This is my sweet little Tweety Bird. These are the kinds of birds I want to attract...Fuck the dirty Blue Jays and Crows! (I just may borrow my dads pellet gun.)

This is my animal sanctuary. I also have 2 hummingbird feeders. They are very cool birds. It is hard to keep up with all of the animals, they know where to get food now so they are coming around all the time. I gotta feed 'em everyday. Notice the corn cob crib is empty and so is the bird feeder...I am teaching them a lesson.

This is a shot of my container vegetable garden just past the deck railing. You can hardly see it, but I have 7 varieties of tomatos, 2 peppers, 2 artichokes and 2 zuchinnis. Please do not look further into my sisters desheveled yard. Her poor 110lb. Rottweiler is lost back there in the grass...we haven't seen him for days. I am sure he has starved to death by now.

This is the view looking the other way at most of my flowers around the hot tub. You can also see my sweet fire pit (covered) we sit around at night drinking...good times. I don't know if you can see, but past my hanging flower baskets on the right, you can see nothing but blackberry bushes, brush and trees. THAT is Drunkard Mc Treehuggers fucked up yard! I hear him attempt to start some piece of lawn equipment today (could not see him of course) but no dice...it could not cut through the impenetrable forrest that is his backyard. Fuckface.

This is my little herb garden in a strawberry pot. I got the idea from Paula Deen.

Here is Fisher P. being naughty...

Here I am being naughty...

Oh! I almost forgot! Here are my nasty bitchass Shingles on my thigh! Today was the worst so far. I am going to go drink another bottle of Shiraz for dinner. Must...kill...the pain.

I'M HAVING A BABY!!!

2006-06-09T01:33:00.000-07:00

Well...sort of.

'Bout as pregnant as I am ever gonna get! My little sister HooHa is having a baby! I am gonna be an Auntie! I am so excited, I can't stand it. She is happy, Potpourri her boyfriend is happy, my dad and step-mom are happy, my mom though...not so much.

See mom knows HooHa, better than HooHa knows her HooHa. She knows HooHa can barely take care of herself sometimes so she is very worried about her health. This made for a sticky situation yesterday when we told our parents. I say we because they wanted me there to ease the initial shock. My folks gave up on being grandparents a few years ago. What with me being sick and my eggs fried by chemo, I was a no go. My sisters health is poor too. She is a type 1 diabetic and has Graves disease (hyperthyroidism). She doesn't manage her diabetes well either. She gets put into the hospital for ketoacidosis twice a year or so. She scares us sometimes. Factor in pregnancy, and it gets dicey. Ever seen Steel Magnolias? There ya go. Yeah, that was 20 years ago, diabetics have babies all the time nowadays. Still...we worry.

So we decided to have a BBQ to break the news. Had the whole immeadiate family there. We thought we should wait until after eating to break the news, incase there was crying (the bad kind) or someone wanted to storm off (HooHa or Mom. Whoever couldn't hang). The time just slipped away, I kept kicking her under the table, she was so scared. Dad pipes up "Well I gotta get goin' got an early get up." I whisper in his ear "You can't go yet daddy, HooHa's got something to tell ya." So he hushes up and then she says "Well, I know you have been sayin' your gonna be grandparents (My cousin just told us she is pregnant too, they are close)and I just wanted to tell you, your gonna be grandparents for real." They were shocked and didn't believe her at first, then they realized we wern't joking. I thought my moms head was gonna explode. I could tell it wasn't good news to her. That sucked. I knew if it had been me, it would have broken my heart to see her upset about my baby.

HooHa was a champ though. Mom will come around. She is already better today. My folks are gonna be the best grandparents a kid could ever ask for. It is a high risk pregnancy, but it can be done. Bottom line is her health is top priority. We all understand that.

On a sad note...I have the Shingles for the 347th time. It seems like I get them every 6 weeks. I have a compromised immune system and any kind of stress be it a slight cold or just Mike coming home (haha) sets them off. They are caused by the chicken pox virus.Very interesting indeed... They friggin hurt like a MoFo. Luckily they are in a small patch on my outter thigh...could be mucho worse. I could have 'em in my buisness. Hey, it happens!

Calgon...take me away.

2006-06-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

My favorite place to be...the Oregon coast.

This is a picture I took one evening from a beach house in Neskowin that we rent sometimes. It also happens to be where Mike proposed to me. Up on the cliff, overlooking the ocean. Beautiful place. Lotsa good memories there.

This pic was taken from the deck. Raccoons like to come up here bout this time of night and snatch up some leftovers from The Dorry Cove we leave out for them. After experience, I can tell you never turn your back on a coon...

Here are the monkeys. The are eating parasites off of one another.

Really it is Gramma Griff and HooHa looking at moms hair for some reason. I just though it was a moment of bonding so I snapped the picture.

Well that didn't work...I have to go find out WTF is up with my pictures...

I just wish I could go on vacation there soon. I am going to Sonoma with Mike on the 16th. He is shooting the NASCAR race down there, it is within driving distance, and Nihilly lives just a short drive south from there, so I am going with. At least I get to live in a swanky hotel and eat out every night for 10 days. Oh and I get to meet one of my very most favorite blogging pals. HOPEFULLY...he is making excuses as to why he may not be able to see me. He is scared I think...he can meet everyone else, 'cept me.

Oh, and just one more thing.

Straight Tequilla Night

2006-05-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

Well, Tonight I break down and finally write a new post.
I was waiting for Mayor to write on first, but after 13 days (and counting) she has yet to flinch. YOU HEAR THAT .MRS.MAYOR OF FIST CITY! YOU WIN! DAMN YOU!
I don't have much going on, bet ya get sick of hearing that one, but it's true! I did procure a treadmill. So now instead of physical therapy twice a week I can supplement it with relaxing walks on the hamsterwheel. I been lifting weights too...but that is another story.

Speaking of stories...
I am feverishly trying to come up with a good one to tell you...have been for days now. All I can manage to squeeze out of my mellon is an episode I like to call "My Straight Tequilla Night".

I was kindofa spoiled kid. I got a truck for my 15th birthday. It really wasn't mine though til I was 16, but when that magic day finally came, you couldn't keep me home! For a spell the Mayor of Fist City resided with me and it was cool...until we each had an entire bottle of champagne and she says (and I do not remember this) that I told her I wanted her to move out. If I did say it, and I'm not saying I did, it was the Cooks talking, thats all I can I say.

Anywho, back to the Mayor. So there was this older boy, one of our friends brothers, we called him FatBack Donnie Porker. He would buy us booze in hopes of getting into Mayors Guess jeans when she passed out. Most times he'd buy us Boones Farm or Mad Dog 20/20 but one particular night he got us some tequilla. We went up to Crown Point out in the boondocks where the cops know the kids go to drink. I took a biggie cup from Wendy's where we all worked and filled it with 1/2 OJ and 1/2 tequilla and proceeded to drink the entire concoction in 15-20 minutes. I was hammer city in 60 seconds flat. Mayor being slightly buzzed herslef I am sure, allowed FatBack to toss my drunk ass in the back of my truck so he could have easier access to Mayors said Guess jeans.

Sidebar: Yes, it may have been mean to call him FatBack, but he was a dipshit sleaze bag and deserved it! You couldn't believe a word that fell from his disgusting mouth. Once he tried to tell us all of the stretch marks on his back and titties wer cat scratches...seriously cat scratches? WTF?

OK so here I am in the back of MY truck when F.B. tells Mayor, "SHIT! The cops are here we gotta go!" and she takes off down the winding mountain road with my shivering ass rolling around the back of MY truck. Slamming back and forth into the sides with every turn. NOT COOL. Thats not even the worst part.

SO I am jolted awake by one of the carefuly calculated turns Mayor makes on our descent home and I think to myself, I say "Self, you need to puke." So I hang my head out the canopy window and hurl...over and over and over. Thankfully back then I had good control over my bowels and did not shit my pants for if this were to happen tomorrow...poop fest '06 guarenteed. Mayor made an especially sharp turn and I was throw back into the truck, where I proceeded to finish barfing all over myself. It was in my hair, all over my clothes. Nasty. I don't remember when or where we stopped, maybe she does, all I remember is cleaning the vomit off of my truck the next day. One of many vomit cleansing episodes I was to experience in my teen years. Most are all blurred together, but that one stands out in my memories the most...

And that is why I can not even smell teKILLya to this day. No sir, I don't like it.

A few things to ponder.

2006-05-21T00:46:00.000-07:00

Ribbit.

This big girl is hot...

This big guy is not...

Two words: White Trash...even if they are drunk.

What?! I thought it was cute!

Something does not belong. Something in the sackground.

You can't possibly think this looks good.

I don't wonder where he got the idea to stick his pecker in a tail pipe, but 1. is it still hot and 2. that outfit goes nicely with the shorn ball sack. Somehow, it works.

Young mother hard at work. Pulling double duty. Proof parenthood should require a license.

The first thing that comes to mind is not where did she get the bruise, but why the hell is she wearing a thong? News Flash! You exceed the weight limit for thong usage. Buy a clue.

Sorry for the lame post. I haven't been up to much. I did call Jorge the gardener back and got my yard debris can back...but not my sisters can. Due to our language barrier, I don't think he understood that we wanted 2 cans back, or he acted very well as though he did know we were missing 2 cans. Either way, I don't think I will be seeing her can again. Adios...

Sith Gardener...

2006-05-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

Someone is playing Jedi mind tricks on me.

I have a Sith Gardener. First he raped me from behind. I knew it was coming and I let him do it with a smile on my face. He could not have done this if he was not a Sith. Then he "traded" yard debris cans with me. Somehow I got his shit can and he got my brand new can. Go figure. Then today he comes and sprays poison in my backyard to kill Drunkard McTreehugger's blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and before he left he stole my sisters new yard debris can. Nothing he did today had anything to do with yard debris so he had no reason to touch her can.

SO I called him on it. I fucking called Jorge and got his Mexi-machine and left a voice mail. I asked him kindly if he would return both cans. Those cans are sentimental...they held the kegs from my WT wedding. I slapped the city's yard debris sticker on them and they are the best damn cans in my hood. I am so mad at him. I was so nice to him, fed him, gave him beer on the job, let him charge me two arms and a leg for his services and didn't bat an eye. Then he goes and swipes my F'n cans. I oughtta call La Migra on his ass.

Sidebar: I do not give two shits if he is an illegal, I am just being a bitch. He is a hard worker and did do a good job even if I did let him overcharge me...

So, a few things about my fucking asswipe neighbor...

When I was a kid, he had signs in his windows (you could see his windows way back then) that said CAUTION: I AM A VIETNAM VETERAN AND I BOOBY TRAPPED MY HOUSE. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IF YOU BREAK IN...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
He lives at a bar in Troutdale next to his "River Rafting" buisness and is almost never home. Mayors mom knows him (so does Mayor) and they know what a weirdo drunk he is. Oh and he wasn't in Nam for the record so that is no excuse...
He has no less that a bakers dozen cats that live in the jugle habitat wildlife sanctuary he calls a yard. I get to listen to them "serenade" each other at night because my bedroom is closest to his house.
You can't even see his house anymore. It is surrounded by shrubbery. He has trees that the birds "planted" (I say shat) in his yard growing so close to his house they are busting the eaves, through his roof. When we asked him to cut down the cherry sapling growing right on our property line he said no. Mother nature put it there.
I have seen rabbits in his yard. Opossums and raccons I can see, but real live wild rabbits? WTF?
He NEVER goes into his backyard, the grass is waist high and the back 3/4ths are lost.
And what pisses me off THE MOST are the blackberry bushes that are creeping into my yard and going to seed and spreading into my fucking sanctuary! I had to buy poison and pay Jorge to kill them muther F'n things. It could have hurt my dog. Then I would have come unglued, but I was assured after 24 hrs. it will be ok.

I'm going to call somebody...THATS how mad I am!

Global Warming...

2006-05-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

God damn it's hot...

It is 1am and it is still hot outside IMHO.
It got up to 93 today.
Ninety-fucking-three bitches! What is this shit? Ari-motherfucking-zona? It's May 15th for Christ's sake. We don't get like this til late July or August...and only once or twice a year if that. If this is a precursor to this summers weather I am in big deep shit my friends. We had threats of snow in March. This is weird shit, proof of global warming I say. Fuckin' Bush...

SO...what is up? Nada. Ventured out into the elements for PT and found out my "Boss" as I call her is leaving me. It is for greener pastures, more hours, better moolah. Can't blame her. I do love her to death and would only venture out into this heat and sit for 30 minutes in a traffic snarl for her guidence and support. She is a slave driver, with a gentle hand and makes me want to work. I hope my next therapist is as inspirational.

Watered the flowers before dinner. My deck and yard are gonna look great this year. Last year I slacked...had no flowers. I was too bummed about the whole lung thing. Which really meant I was depressed because I have a very green thumb and love to garden. This year however I am turning over a new leaf. I have 2 humming bird feeders and have seen them use them twice. I have another regular bird feeder that attracts some nice birds and then my piece de resistance is my squirrel sanctuary! I got 4 squirrel feeders! They are so fat and cute! I already got the dog and cat trained to chase them. No, they stalk them. It is so fun to watch.

I also got some veggies going. 6 different mayter plants, a few zookinnis and artichokes. Some peppers too. This summer is gonna be nice. Lotsa BBQ's planned. Can't wait. Good Times!

Oedipus Complex?

2006-05-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

Mothers Day came early to our house this week...

I know my husband knew it was Sunday and not Thursday, early Friday am...but he could not resist and gave my mom her present a little early. I know, how sweet!

Sidebar:For those of you that don't know, I LIVE WITH MY MOM. Always have. I'm not ashamed either. She rocks. Mike is hardly home these days with his new job, I don't/can't do laundry or housework in general anymore and I compensate her well for her help, so I am ok with it. I think even if I wasn't "disabled" I'd still be proud to live with her.

So anyway let me give you a little history. My man is a hard sleeper. He wakes up disoriented half the time in a puddle of drool. He once Sunday punched me in my sleep because he woke up startled and didn't know where he was. Another time The Mayor got him so drunk he slept straight through a trip to the bathroom after he passed out...if ya know what I mean. Poor baby.

SO last night he was extra tierd and went to bed and fell right asleep. Around 3am he wakes up to go potty. He crawled over me to get outta bed and did his thing and then crawled back over me and got into bed and fell fast asleep again. Only it wasn't me he crawled over, it was my mom. Somehow he got turned around and headed into her room, crawled over her and got back into bed and fell fast asleep. Butt naked.

Mom is usualy a light sleeper, and to her credit did wake up a bit when he crawled over her, but dismissed it as our fat Weimaraner that likes to sleep with her Grammy when mom and dad get too frisky for her and she gets kicked outta bed. Who knows how long they cuddled before mom realized Fisher was a little bit bigger than usual, and breathed a little more heavily than normal. A few elbows to the back and a friendly "Your in the wrong bed honey" and Mike climbed outta her bed and apologized with his junk in his hand and stumbled back into our bed...rejected.

If you know my husband, try not to mention I blogged about this episode. I don't care if you tease him about it, just don't tell him I told everybody else about it. How do you like that picture of him hard at work? Looks eerily like the late John Belushi don't he? He is actually much hotter when he isn't wearing a silly helmet or squishing up his face. Ooh Sunday is Mothers Day, so don't forget your mom. I asked, and no, crawling into bed to cuddle her does not count as a gift. I still gotta buy her something.

Hola Bitches...

2006-05-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

I'm back.
Let the fun and games begin!
OK so where was I...yes, I was in Reno my babies.
5 days of gambling and all you can eat buffets. We stayed with our friends in their mini-mansion on their fancy schmancy golf course. They are super sweet folks, I kid. Gracious hosts with a lovely home. We would have stayed longer, but we missed our furbaby! Fisher P. was so happy to see us when we got home.

Sorry, had to go all mommy blog on you for a sec.

Anywho, so the show I saw was funny as hell! Carlos Mencia. He is like our generations George Carlin. Makes it a point to piss off everyone equally. An equal opportunity offender if you will. He's got his own show on Comedy Central.

If you get the chance, check out his live show. It is uplifting. Seriously.

So yeah, I played mini-golf and got not 1 but 2 hole-in-ones. I am taking my A game on the road. Going on tour. I got a gift. Maybe it was the altitude, or maybe it was my mad skills. Either way, the chumps I played got beat by a girl on oxygen AND a scooter. Just sayin'.

Another highlight of my road trip was people watching in the casinos. Namely the "ladies" if you will.

What the fuck. I saw some of the craziest shit. Who do these girls think they are fooling? If you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig. Am I right? I do not want to see your secret spots. Like in Vegas, you better hope what you wearin' in Reno stays in Reno. Nasty sluts. Rolls for days...MY EYES.

So I see my blogger buddies continued on without me! I'm crushed. At least Willie and Nihilly noticed my absence and sent messages.(Get it? Willy Nilly? HA!) Oh I can't forget Tickers and Mayor too. Thanks for noticing! I missed you all. My friends had a Wi-Fi router problem and what with the altitude I was in no shape to climb the stairs to their desk top. I thought the wireless withdrawls would be unbearable, but I managed just fine!

Ooh one more thing...
The night before I left town, I had my first date with DaTilla.
Our spouses were present, but that didn't matter. We had a great time. Good BBQ, drinks and good friends. I was so happy to finally met him and his lovely wife. Neal and his old lady were there too! Good Times...and Thanks for the lovely rose. ;^)

P.S. I know you commented on The Mayors blog and I will be ULTRA offended if I don't get a comment too...

PiTA Protest

2006-04-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

Normaly, I am not one to complain...(shaddup.)
But I have had it with fancy schmancy bread.
I am going to start a revolution to bring back good old white bread. Fuck your 12 grain and fuck your harvest wheat. Let's bring back the standards. White, sourdough, rye, and plain old wheat. Have you seen the bread isle lately. It is mind boggling to say the least. I am pro-segregation...of the bread isle.

I kid. I love good bread. Sour sourdoughs and breads with cheeses, nuts and fruits in them. The more diverse the better...such as life. The whole bread thing was stupid. I just wanted to talk about PETA.

I got this video you oughtta watch. It is grainey and a teensy bit long, but eye opening. I always though good things about them. That they were on the up & up. I fish, I eat meat, I take prescription meds and benefit from medical research, so I don't fully agree with all of thier beliefs. I do believe in each individuals right to be, say, and think what they choose. So to each his own.

However when you become a hypocrite, thief or liar, (or just a plain asswipe) what you say looses all it's weight. It means nothing. *Poof* Like a fart in the wind. So it goes with PETA. I reccomend you watch the entire video. Then comment if you so choose. Penn & Teller's PETA episode on BULLSHIT!

In other news...I talked to the Big J.C. tonight. This is my favorite picture of him, he is quite the photo whore! I love his blog. So random and off beat. My kinda place! He is 100% unapologeticly Joel Conrad Bechtolt. He lives in my town and one day he is going to make me chicken enchiladas...I hope. Back in my prime we could have been bud buddies. I live vicariously through him. Anywho, he called me, to see if I was real. And I am. That was pretty much it. Like he says "It's not exactly rocket surgery". I find him very interesting. Someday we will meet for Bloody Mary's and I will bask in the smokey goodness of a glorious bong hit of Oregon chronic. Good Times Mi Amigo.

Keepin' it tight...

2006-04-28T04:01:00.000-07:00

This is the new book I am reading.

This is a tree.

Any questions?

WTF?!

Random Ramblings

2006-04-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

Get ready...this post is gonna rock.

Not really, I just said that.
I got nothing for ya today. I woke up late, didn't get to go to The Mayors bar for lunch before my exercise regime. I had planned on taking nourishment before said torture test, but ended up running out the door with only a coffee. Said coffee did have Malibu rum flavoring in it, so it was semi-nutritious.

That was for Mayor...(cause she like's it rough and mullets too.)
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Cousin Matt made a scrumptious evening meal. Grilled marinated porkloin from Gartners (one of our butchers), sauted cabbage and shallots, homemade Mac & Chez, kalamata olive bread, grilled & seasoned shrimp skewer and strawberries for de-zert. Yes, I almost burst. He is a culinary wizard. Think Emeril meets Gandolf the Gray...but more Emirilish with a Jewfro.

That was for Tilla...(he likes the dark-meat.) :^0
So anywayz I got a call tonight from and unknown out of state number. I assumed it was that bitch Sallie Mae looking for a handout. Something about student loan...blah blah...your deferment is past due...blah blah blah. So I almost didn't answer. Thank goodness I did. It was Johnny Wright-Dog from Glacier MT.! I hadn't talked to him in 4EVER! He is an old buddy that used to work with Mayor as hotel clerks and I'd go up and we'd sit in the back office smoking pot and stinking up the joint while Mayor would help the occasional customer check in. Those were the good old days! He runs the KOA at Glacier National Park now, so if your in the neighborhood stop in and tell him DogMa sent ya! He'll hook you up with a free shower or something. I dunno what, but he's a pretty good guy, he'll think of something. Free coffee I dunno.

That was for Willie...(cause he will think it's funny.)
I watched Proof last night with Gwyneth Paltrow and Jake Gylenhaal. It was pretty good. Probably the best role she's ever played. If you like mental illness & math this movies for you. I personaly am deathly afraid of math. I panic when I have to leave a tip and figure out what 20% is. Seriously.

That one was for Nihilly cause he hasn't got one yet...(and he can appreciate nuts.)
WTF is Scientology? The more I hear about it the more freaked it get. Which I love by the way. I am going to google it after I post this. They believe some wack shit. I heard they think T.B. can be cured. Fucking tuberculosis. It sounds like a cult...I shall go investigate this further and inform you of my findings at a later date.

America's Sweetheart Scientologists...TomKat.

Tattoodles.

2006-04-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

I got a high tolerance for alot of things.
Drugs like vicodin, darvocet and the like hardly phase me.
I tolerate children and assholes well too.
Unruly dogs at the dog park and even some republicans, but not most.
I also have a high tolerance for pain as well.

I've broken bones, burnt limbs to the 3rd degree, had major ass surgery (and by that I mean not major surgery, but major surgery on my ass.) I've had drain tubes in my lungs and I shaved a hole in my pinky finger nail once. Carpal tunnel, trigger finger, shingles, bleeding lungs, I've had them all...and tolerated them well I'd say.

Saturday night however I was reminded of why I was not going to get another tattoo...they hurt. Especially the big ones I always seem to pick out. I'm a sucker for a sweet tatt I guess and a sentimental fool to boot so when Hoo Ha said she'd get a matching tattoo I said what the heck. Let's do it! I took us a 5th of Brokers Gin and a 5th of Absolute Peppar, but WE DID IT! I kid, it did hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would. What really hurt was Fisher P. stepping on it last night. FUCK! I was all I could do to keep from punching her OUT! (I kid again.)

Here I am with The Sheriff, the proprietor of Fist City Tattoos:
For those about to get ink...We Salute You!

I call him The Sheriff because ultimatly he lays down the law! He let's The Mayor think she is the boss...but really he is! Shhh! He is the sweetest buttrocker however and my personal tattooist to boot! (8 O's in that sentance BTW...just saying.)Thank You Sheriff Jim!

We went to Fist City, where the Mayor lives, and designed a tattoo for us that had meaning and was special to us. Cousin Matt came with and so did Potpourri. Pope ( his nick name for his nick name) worked at the same burger joint as the Mayor and I when we were in high school. He is a sweet heart and I love him to pieces. He's got the hots for Hoo Ha and she for him. I wished they'd GET A ROOM! Oh and Hoo Ha by the way is my little sister, Mayor calls her Pirate, cause of her one eye and all...

Where was I? Oh yeah the tatt. So it means something to us. Originaly it was gonna be angel wings, but I found some butterfly wings I had to have! The body of the butterfly is an infinity symbol, NOT A FIGURE 8. So what does it mean? I guess it means "If I fly away, I'll still be with you, for infinity and forever". Kinda corny, but I love my sister and we know what it is like to lose a sibling. Anyway we like it and I don't give a flying fuck what people think!

Homework.

2006-04-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to the nutritionist tomorrow after physical therapy. Here is the selected reading for the course...

I got a sweet tattoo last night from the Mayors old man. It only took 3, 32oz. bloodies to get through it! We had fun though. I'll post a big fat pic of it tomorrow, I gotta go write a freaking food diary...WTF.

100 Things

2006-04-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

I thought you oughtta know...
(Thank Nihilly!)

1 ~ I like cartoons. Not Anime, but Adult Swim & old school shit.
2 ~ I can't think about breaking teeth or ripping finger nails off. It is like nails on a chalkboard to me, which I can't stand either.
3 ~ I prefer adult cereal over kiddie cereal.
4 ~ I ALWAYS have a drink on me, with me, whatever.
5 ~ I miss smoking. Both.
6 ~ I am a good singer. I have been in Kareoke contests etc. but I am still embaressed everytime no matter how many people compliment me.
7 ~ I like to color in coloring books. It was my favorite pastime in the hospital.
8 ~ I watch Jeopardy and aspire to be on a game show. I am full of random useless facts and LOVE trivia.
9 ~ I have a green thumb and love flowers and gardening.
10 ~ I am addicted to Chapstick.
11 ~ Before bed I have to spray crap up my nose or I'm afraid I won't be able to breathe at night.
12 ~ My little sister lost her left eye, but you'd never know it her new one looks so good.
13 ~ My little brother drowned when he was 14 and I was 20 in a fishing accident.
14 ~ I like to play with fire.
15 ~ I hate gel toothpaste. It has to be paste.
16 ~ Sometimes I like to be alone.
17 ~ I'm not a good housekeeper.
18 ~ If you are nice I will give you the shirt off my back.
19 ~ I don't know how to take a compliment.
20 ~ I was bit by a brown recluse spider and got very sick. still have a hole in my leg from it. It never itched or hurt though.
21 ~ I like old country music like Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson and Loretta Lynn.
22 ~ I have a space between my 2 front teeth like Madonna or Sandra Burnhardt or Lauren Bacal. I used to hate it, but I learned to embrace it and now I like it. Plus I can spit further than you I bet.
23 ~ I was a spoiled kid, but I turned out OK.
24 ~ I wish I could speak Spanish. Just so I could know what they are saying about me.
25 ~ I love animals, especially dogs. Especially my dog.
26 ~ I like to watch the news. I hated it as a kid, but I am getting old I guess.
27 ~ I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm scared of dying.
28 ~ I have to have ice. No drink is complete without it.
29 ~ I like storms. Rain, thunder, wind, snow. I love it.
30 ~ I was a fort building fool as a kid. Treehouses, the works. I always had a fort.
31 ~ I am a Master Pumpkin Carver. I even have special tools. I love Halloween.
32 ~ My husband spoils me rotten. Showers me with love and gifts. He seems like a mean, tough guy...but he is such a softie. I am blessed.
33 ~ I don't like alot of make-up.
34 ~ I love going to the dentist. I don't mind fillings and the like.
35 ~ I play video games.
36 ~ Buying people gifts makes me so happy.
37 ~ I go to the coffee shack everyday, sometimes twice a day. They love me.
38 ~ I can eat, talk, or breathe. It's hard to manage all 3 at once.
39 ~ I like to fish.
40 ~ I have "clubbed" fingers. It is because of my oxygen issues. The Dr.'s just lov 'em!
41 ~ I did synthetic heroin once (in the hospital) and loved it. Asked for it all the time. Thank God they wouldn't give me too much.
42 ~ I had my senior pictures taken with a Coleman lantern. It was funny because I won the lantern and was known for it and my love for camping. It was a good picture.
43 ~ I have a freckle or something in the white part of my left eye.
44 ~ My cat is a terrorist. Her name is Sassy Bin Laden. Someties she is loving, but usualy she is a bitch ass cat from the depths of hell.
45 ~ I love The Iron Chef! (Food Network)
46 ~ I love CHERRIES! My cell, my luggage, air freshener in car, everything possible has cherries on it. I am even going to get a Cherry Tattoo! WooHoo!
47 ~ My backyard is my sanctuary. I love the summer and warm nights, picnics & BBQ's out back.
48 ~ I will never experience the joy of motherhood. It breaks my heart.
49 ~ My favorite board game is Scrabble. Then Trivial Pursuit.
50 ~ I took Woodshop in high school and rocked.
51 ~ I collect sea shells whenever I am at the beach. Last time I found a ships old float. Very cool.
52 ~ Japanese art is my fave. From food to gardens, even my tattoo is a Japanese Koi.
53 ~ I didn't go to prom, but I partied like a MoFo that night with my peeps!
54 ~ Twice I have been hit by sneaker waves at the ocean. Very scary, & painful.
55 ~ I have a picture of Christy from the Shire and I at the zoo in kindergarten. We have been freinds for almost 25 years.
56 ~ I'm allergic to Benzoyl Peroxide...Oxy zit cream.
57 ~ I went to my husbands soccer games his senior year in high school, but didn't know I'd marry him let alone who he was.
58 ~ I liked school. Not math so much, but History and English and especially Science. I went to college and then a vocational school.
59 ~ I am a certified Medical Assistant. I can draw blood, take a blood pressure, write chart notes and prescriptions etc. Basicly a Dr.'s right hand.
60 ~ My dad made me eat Squirrel once. It tasted like Chicken.
61 ~ I want birds. Chickens, ducks, peacocks, geese, or even a parrot. With my breathing issues I can't have any though.
62 ~ My mom, dad and step-mom all work at the same place and get along smashingly!
63 ~ My dog's AKC registered name is Fishermansangel. It is a tribute to my brother. I wish he would have had a guardian angel the last time he went fishing.
64 ~ I would never live anywhere else in the world. This place is perfect.
65 ~ I broke my arm riding my bike and walking my dog...at the same time. She saw a cat.
66 ~ I function extremely well under traumatic situations. Cool, calm and collected.
67 ~ I am a conisuer of cheese. I freaking love cheese.
68 ~ I have the last pair of PJ's my brother wore and his pillow case still in my closet. I was taking them to the search dogs to smell when they found him.
69 ~ I collect squished pennies, the kind you find in souviner shops imprinted with a design of some sort.
70 ~ My friends threw me a surprise party when I was 13 at my dads. I cried.
71 ~ I have sexy feet.
72 ~ I HATE eggs. I love quiche and french toast and fritattas...but not eggs.
73 ~ I saved a little boy from drowning at the lake when I was like 10. Then I saved my sister the same way soon after.
74 ~ I used to be a cleptomaniac as a kid. I can't tell you why.
75 ~ I have an uncle who is a giant. He is over 7ft. and 400lbs. and a sweet as pie!
76 ~ I have little ears. Not abnormaly small, just cute and tiny.
77 ~ I had fake ID when I was 19 so when I turned 21 I was burnt out on the bar scene.
78 ~ I used to have a goose that was so mean I couldn't go into the back yard without a stick. Fucking Louie...
79 ~ I was the only girl on the first baseball team I was ever on. I rocked.
80 ~ I love candles and playing with hot wax. Nothing kinky mind you.
81 ~ I don't like to wear my seatbelt, but I usualy do.
82 ~ I only have moles on my left forearm.
83 ~ I was obsessed with INXS as a teen.
84 ~ I am very ticklish on my feet.
85 ~ My favorite flowers are Dahlias, so many varieties.
86 ~ I BBQ almost everynight when the weather is right. I don't mean burgers & dogs. I do it up right.
87 ~ My favorite drink is a Bloody Mary (done right).
88 ~ I love the History channel, Discovery, TLC, A&E...fuck MTV.
89 ~ I HATE soaps and stupid shows like Charmed and Smallville...I call them bitch shows.
90 ~ I think my mom should be nominated for Sainthood. She is amazing.
91 ~ I need alot of sleep...like 10 hrs. Probably has something to do with being ill.
92 ~ I am a scrapbooker. I love pictures.
93 ~ I have stood on Lambeau Field in Green Bay Wisconsin.
94 ~ I sideswiped a tree in my dads truck when I was 13.
95 ~ I snore.
96 ~ My husband is the first person I ever really loved, and the only person that ever really loved me. Everybody else just sucked.
97 ~ I stuck my finger in an electrical outlet once.
98 ~ I nailed some dick in the head and knocked him into a Christmas tree because he called my friend a fat bitch. She was, but it wasn't for him to say.
99 ~ Sometimes I don't know when to STFU.
100 ~ I don't care about money or materalistic things. I just want to be happy and healthy. Money can't buy that.

6 Randon FunFacts...

2006-04-19T01:08:00.000-07:00

I was reading Mike's blog tonight and he was tagged. I myself have never been tagged. I'm just not interesting enough I suppose. Mike I think thought it was a little lame to be tagged, but I think I would find it flattering. Mike obliged his tagger with 6 random facts about himself. Since I did nothing interesting today excpet go to the dog park, I thought I'd pretend someone thought I was cool enough to tag! That said, here are 6 random facts about me you might find interesting, or odd, or probably both...

FunFact #1: I have lived in the same house my WHOLE LIFE. Except for that time I moved into the hospital for a month or so. Oh and the time I did in Club Fed, but that is a different story. ;^) I just never wanted to move out, my mom is way cool, rent is low, location is good, she takes good care of me and I take good care of her $ too!

FunFact #2: I have Rhumatoid Arthritis in my LUNGS. When I was 16 or so, The Mayor lived with me for a spell. We woke up for school one morning and I just hurt all over like a MoFo. Turns out I had Rhumatoid Arthritis. It effected my body, mostly my hands and feet. I had surgery on both my hands for it. Then one day in 03' it decided to attack my lungs. It is what caused my Pulmonary Fibrosis. So I guess you could say I have Rhumatoid Lung.

FunFact #3: My husband has never seen me naked. I'm a little modest. Shit, I don't wanna see myself naked, so why would I let anyone else see me nude? We've been together 8 years or so. Sure he's seen my ass and my tatas and my buisness, but never at the same time. I am a master of illusion.

FunFact #4: I LOVE COPS, the T.V. show. I am obsessed and must watch it every Saturday for the new episode. I think it's safe to say I've seen 97% of the shows. I watch Court T.V. every night to see the re-runs too. I also love the police video shows and greatest chases, stuff like that. I just love to watch the dumbasses get busted.

FunFact #5: Twice in my life I have depended on the kindness of others to wipe my ass and tend to my other basic daily needs. Once it was due to surgery I had on both hands at the same time for arthritis related issues. The other time was because my mom wouldn't let me got outside to play in the snow, so of course I went to kick her and I lost my balance and planted both hands on our wood stove. Our HOT wood stove. My bad. I deserved that one.

FunFact #6: My bedroom used to be black. The ceiling, everything, black. My stepdad had just moved out, he was domineering and I was rebelling I think. I had friends tag the walls with glow in the dark paint, I had black lights everywhere, trippy posters, the works. I did acid, shrooms and smoked alot of pot. I guess that was my inspiration. I also had a huge waterbed that aided in the illusion that you were on the moon or something. Sometimes I miss it. At least it was clean.

Bonus FunFact #7: I had a turtle named Claws for many years. He lived in a huge tank of water and rocks. He'd drag himself out to sun, make alot of banging noises at night, he was a good guy. Sadley I became interested in boys, and partying and forgot to clean his water enough. I think that is why he died. I murdered my turtle. I will probably go to hell for it.

That is me in a nutshell.
That was fun! Thanks for tagging me Mike!
I'm not tagging anyone, but if you wanna be tagged, feel free to go to town and post some random shit about yourself! I'd love to read it!

I need more COWBELL!!!

2006-04-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

As you know I heart Saturday Nights.
I absolutly LOVE parodies, skits, silly bullshit and the like.
This is one of the best skits ever by probably the best host ever, Christopher Walkin! It's a VH1 Behind The Music parody. Sorta like an "E True Hollywood Story". Anywho. I got a fever, and there is only one prescription for it my babies! More Cowbell!

Behind The Music: Blue Oyster Cult (best SNL skit ever!)

More Good News.

2006-04-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

Seems I am just full of it these days!
I forgot to tell you about my trip up to Seahawk Nation. It went very well I must say! I thought I was going to get a big fat spankity spank from the good Dr. but it turns out he was pleased with my PFT's (pulmonary function tests) and my CAT scans that he all but overlooked my relapse! I had about 18 more lbs. to loose last time I saw him. This time I saw him I had about 40 more lbs. to loose...go figure? He doesn't want to see me for 6 months! I may have a new disease, I have new (different) cysts on my air bags that my indicate an additional disease. The prognosis is the same and the "treatment" is too, so why worry my pretty little head over it! I thought I was in for it. Turns out he is more pleased with the support group I found, the Nutritionist I am seeing and the Pulmonary Physical Therapist I am now seeing as well.

sidebar: I hope these people I am seeing do not find out about eachother...or that I am married. This could get ugly, all these people fighting over me.

Happy Easter!
I went to a FAT ASS buffet today with the Fam. Had one too many Mimosas (1) and had to take booze snooze when I got home...good times. I ate WAY too much, but it was our Lords day so I wrote it off as being a good Christian and all. Fuck my diet. Can I just tell you about the prime rib I had? It was perfect. So many times I get the PR at a buffet and it is overdone because of some pussies aversion to rare meat. Fucktards be screwing it up for those of us that know how to eat the proper cut of meat. Another highlight of my Easter Sunday was the fact that my new Coach purse is a lovely shade of Easter mint green and khaki, and it matches my Coach wallet. I have turned into a trendy snob, almost. Ask anyone if they ever thought they'd see the day where a name brand (or a purse for that matter) would bring a smile to my face. WTF has happened to me? I think I am getting old, or turning republican. NAH! I'd slit my fucking wrists first.

Do they celebrate Easter in Arizona? Why YES they do!

Where have you been Will?! I miss you! Comment you Bitch!

Git 'Er Done!

2006-04-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

Went and saw Larry the Cable Guy at the Schnitz tonight. I know, your thinking WTF? I KNOW! But it was funny shit! It's like with George Carlin, you get offended, but you like it. Same thing with my blog sorta. My hubby bought me tickets. I don't know exactly what possesed him to think I was such a big fan, I accepted the gift greatfully none the less. I love Ron White, maybe that is what gave him the idea. So he was going to go, then mom was going to go, then Christy from The Shire was going to go but she got grounded. (Seems her mother didn't appreciate shelling out $500 on a plane ticket across country for her and her baby sasquatch Boo Radley, and only seeing them for 2 nights, go figure.) Cousin Matt ended up being my chaperone for the evening.

Here is a sampling of the people I paid to spend the evening with...

Just your average run of the mill redneck hillbillies from the out lying areas. I think most of these fools have never set foot in a hospital or a doctors office the way they were staring at a sister...HELLO, IT'S CALLED OXYGEN YOU DOUCHE. I've never had so much trouble getting around on my scooter either. They were too busy staring to get outta the way. Kinda bummed me out. I was telling my old man about it when I got home and he made me feel tons better. Gave me the whole don't stoop to their level pep talk when I told him of my fantasy where I bomb through the crowd with my new hair flying, rolling over toes and flipping the bird to any bitch that dares step in my path.

Anyway, here he is on Leno if you are at all interested.

HOME DEPOT (Larry The Cable Guy)

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Not much else going on. Went to Mayors house for a Tatt Party. Friend Christy from the Shire got a chain of Forget-Me-Nots around her ankle. Very cute. She is not a Hobbit, she is from New Hampshire, but it is funnier if I say The Shire. Hoo Ha (my sister) found a picture of the three stooges (Me, Christy from the Shire, The Mayor) It was so cool to see a pic of us from back in the day. What I wouldn't do to go back to this day, Good Times!

I have something for you.

2006-04-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

Take them, they are yours.
Entered the Torture Chamber today.
The Devils Lair. The Pit of Dispair. The Den of Blood, Sweat & Tears. The House of Horror...you get the point.

Physical Therapy. Bleh...kill me now.

I kid. I actually am excited. I love my therapist, I can't wait to meet the nutritionist. I feel like I am really going to make some progress. She tells me I will be breathing better in no time. It was a very pleasant meeting. Twice a week. My goal is to get so good there I can go to the big kids gym with The Mayor...'cept no tanning. I can do that when I go to Hell. I hear that is where I'm headed! HA!

Well dinner is ready. Rib eyes, corn on the cob, bacon cheese scalloped taters, blue cheese & tomato salads. I rock. I will try to make a better post later if'n I can!

The butcher, the baker, the bloodymary maker.

2006-04-11T02:56:00.000-07:00

Rub-A-Dub Dub bitches...
Today was pretty good I gotta say.
Took the van through the wash. Looks like new if you just don't look at the big fat scratch I put on the bumper when I backed into the neighbors 4Runner last Friday. Could be worse. Thats what I keep telling myself. Mike will see it for the 1st time tomorrow when I pick him up at the airport. So if you never hear from me again, you will at least know why.

Back to my day.
It was good.
But then again like this dude says:

So I went to the butcher and got some assorted meats. I heart my butcher. I want a shirt that says that. Bet I'd get a free pepperoni if I wore that in there. My old man eats out every night. (I wish.) When he is on the road he misses my cooking...just like me misses it when he is home. It don't happen often, but when it does, look out!

Then I went to the produce shack. It's a building I guess. It has low ceilings and is so cozy and comfy, I liken it to a shack. I bought my veggies. I also bought a bottle of sugar-free Malibu Rum flavored syrup for me coffee. I ground some cookies-N-cream coffee too. I love my coffee. I am an addict since I can't do any good drugs anymore. I also bought my grammy a pot of tulips.

Next I went to the liquor store. It seems for some reason I ran out of Peppar vodka. Go figure. SO I got me a new bottle. I also found something disturbing. Beefato juice. WTF? Yes. Tomato juice and beef broth for those extra hearty bloodymary's. I am intrigued, and a wee bit scared. I knew of clam juice and tomato juice hence the Clamato juice in a bloodyceasar drink. But this Beefato is going to take my bloodymary drinking to a whole new level I fear.

Since we are on the subject of tattoos...here is my pet Koi.

I'm pooped. Gotta get some sleep.
I hope to write you tomorrow...if I am still alive.
Kisses!

My Hero...

2006-04-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

HEROES (David Bowie)

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Can I just tell you about my hero Nihilly.
I tried to find an appropriate song to dedicate to him, Mariah Carey's Hero, Bette Midler's Wind Beneath my Wings, something along those lines...but I stumbled on this Bowie gem so that is what he gets. The Wallflowers remade it. I never knew it was a Bowie tune, duh. Remember The Wallflowers? Bob Dylans son? Hottie if I ever! Anywho, back to my hero.

He added some stuff and moved some stuff and showed me how to do it myself! I GET IT NOW! (I think.) I'm so tickled. I got some bugs to work out. Somehow all my comments got deleted. WTF! I know. So comment on this lame post so I can see if they are showing up. No idea how that happened...I cherish each and every comment and to see them disapear broke my heart. By the way, if you don't have a blog of your own, and you dropped by mine, say HI! Don't be a lurker! Click on the comment link and type an anonymous comment and sign, or don't sign your name!

Well, nothing exciting going on...I watched Memoirs of a Geisha. LOVED IT! Just finished The Ice Harvest, love John Cusak. Cute movie, a little slow, but not too bad. Should get some new NetFlix tomorrow. I keep 5 of 'em in rotation. King Kong, Capote & Brokeback coming soon to a TV near me. Went to the Mayors house to see her get her new tatts. They turned out awesome! One was a pinup gal in a martini glass and the other one was dedicated to me! It was...well, I'll just post a pic:

I LOVE IT!
Check out her Martini pin-up Gal and the cerejaestrela (cherry-star) on her arm! FistCityTattoos!

So I Got alot of crap to do tomorrow. Phone calls to make, take the furkid to the vet to get her nails did. Wash the car (not me mind you). Grocery shop, butcher & produce. I keep the little guy in buisness. I like my specialty markets. Takes extra time, but you do get the best. My old man comes home Tuesday, must prepare for his arrival. SO...I better go to bed.

Gemoirs of a Meisha...

2006-04-07T23:55:00.000-07:00

No, it has nothing to do with the Lord of the Rings...
I do not speak Elvish.
I wish I did.

I made the worlds biggest and bestest Bloody Mary tonight for dinner.
Now The Mother Humpin' Mayor of Fist City makes a damn good BM. (Head outta the gutter fool.) I do get a bazillion olives and aspergrasses in my BM's she makes me, but that is how I roll when I am at her place...I got it like that. Back to the BM I made.

I used my green cup. Mayor and Cousin Matt will know what I mean by my green cup. I have had it for years. Infact, I found a picture of us, me and my cup, taken in 2000, 2001ish maybe, and there I am toodling around all healthy-like on my deck out back at a BBQ...I miss those days. I was running around barefoot with the little kids, hot tubbing with HooHa and Cousin Matt, tending to all my flowers. Good times.

Back to the green cup. I take it everywhere I go. It is an extension of my body. I liken it to a purse or a cell phone. Part of my wardrobe. SO I took my trusty green 32oz. cup and filled it 1/2 way with ice and added equalish parts Absolut Peppar Vodka and Mrs. T's Premium Bloody Mary Mix. 'Bout 2/3rds full. I took a bamboo shish-ka-bob skewer and loaded it with: Jalapeno Garlic stuffed green olives, Sun Dried Tomato stuffed green olives, Anchovie Stuffed green olives, Lewis River Pearl Onion stuffed green olives, St.Helens Smoked pickled garlic cloves and Siscillian Style garlic cloves, and an assortment of crunchy green beans and asparagus and 2 baby dill pickles. I topped it with 3 cranks of fresh coarse ground pepper and a swig of pickle juice ala Tilla Martila!This is his dog doing what my dog was supposed to do. Make herself useful.

So I thought I was going to watch Memoirs of a Geisha tonight but Matt put in Jarhead. It was O.K. nothing to write home about. I wonder if Marines are really like this. Fuckin' wack jobs...Then again war would probably make you a little "off".

Support...the underwire of life.

2006-04-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.
I know it is hard to believe...but I have issues.
I have been batteling depression for awhile now and decided the measly dose of Fuckitol I have been taking is not cutting it. My Dr. agrees so we are going to fix that, but in the mean time I need something more.

Some extra support if you will.

So I bought a new bra.
Just kidding. I found a support group. It meets once a month, most members have P F, many have had transplants, all are very nice. It is run by a pulmonology physical therapist and I am going to start seeing her twice a week for "exercise". I call it torture. Whatev. They also have a nutritionist to help get me off my dinner diet.

I call it a dinner diet because that is all you eat. Dinner. Just dinner. The drawback is my body thinks it is starving and is holding on to the fat cells. Weird. Guess it makes sense. I'm supposed to eat 1000 calories a day, which is like, dinner. Supposedly this "nutritionist" is going to show me how to stretch those 1000 calories through an entire day. Crazy I know. We'll see how it goes, I'll be the blue girl in th corner, holding my breath.

Watched A History of Violence tonight. Good flick. Love me some Viggo Mortensen. Got Memoirs of a Geisha for tomorrow and Ice Harvest & Jarhead on the way. So I am going to be busy all weekend. Benchwarmers comes out tomorrow, I love David Spade. Such a weasel. Should be a kick ass excitment filled weekend of adventure and hijinks per usual...

Enforcer

2006-04-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

The world is spiraling out of control.
Rules need to be made.
And enforced.

Here are a few that get my vote:

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water you pretentious pricks. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Scotch over ice, let it melt. There's your flavored water.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much dudes care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, nuff said.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys & girls who have sex with their hot-ass teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. You gotta be desperate go to that overpriced burnt coffee shit hole. But if you walk into a Starbucks and order "An Iced Triple Grande Sugar-Free Vanilla Breve Latte" ooh, you're a huge pretentious asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "Beef with Broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant or positive...You're not spiritual. You're just a douche.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time my grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

I'm still thinking on this one and no, I didn't think 'em all up.
Some people find shit on the internet and claim it for their own.
At least I let you know I didn't shit all that out on myself.
(I hope somebody gets that.)
TeeHeHe.

Conspiracy...

2006-04-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

It's a conspiracy against the spacialy challenged.
BULLSHIT I tell ya. OK yeah her song sucked, but whadda ya want, it was cuntry muzic night...

In all of history there has been 1 honest to goodness Black country music singer. Charlie Pride. So the cards were stacked against her from the begining. That may be a little racist, but I am bitter about the whole deal and I think they done her wrong. She was the prettiest girl on there inside and out. Yes, she had junk in her trunk, but she was the best damn female singer on that stupid show. Gorgeous skin, beautiful smile, sweet personality and an awesome voice to boot. She just had a big ol' butt. I think that is why she got the boot. Mark my words a dude is gonna win this year...but still, Mandisa should have gone further...her butt just got in the way.

OK, I might go to hell for that one. Sorry.
Speaking of fat girls...I have a funny story.

When I was in the hospital the first time my cousin the hairdresser came to visit me with her scissors. She cut my hair a wee bit shorter than I wanted but that was OK. I needed it. I was on 2000mg of steroids a day then and gained something like 60lbs...the majority of it in my face. Anywhoo, when I got out of prison, I mean the hospital, they put me on chemo. My hair thinned out quite a bit. I was B.S.ing with my sister and my cousin one day and we were talking about my recent loss (of hair) and I said "It's just not fair you guys. I gotta lose my hair on top of gaining this moon face." They say "Oh, it's not that bad etc. etc." and I reply,

"You just don't fuck with a fat girls hair...it's all she's got!"

OK I guess you had to have been there. It was funny.

CAT Scan

2006-04-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

Had a CAT scan today.
No biggie. Although I think some of my brain cells have been scrambled a wee bit. I sent out a mass e-mail about my new blog to my peeps...and didn't include my friggin' address. HELLO. Now I get all these e-mails asking WTF. Might as well send out another.

Watched Idol tonight...'bout fell asleep during the show. BO-RING. I do like me a little cuntry music now and again but tonight was downright painful. Can't wait to see who gets the Cowboy boot tomorrow. Fukin Ace I hope. I hate pretty boys. We got enough cookie cutter boy bands. Time for something original. Thats why I want the Old Man to win. Taylor Hicks. He's younger than me but he's got salt & pepper hair so he is old. I think he is Joe Cocker's bastard son. Sounds like Michael McDonald and sways like Ray or Stevie...plus he plays a mean harmonica. Dude needs to win. Doubt he will cause the voters are all pre-pubescent...oh well.

Back to the Cat scan. I flunked it a few times, couldn't hold my breath like they asked me to. Then I freaked cuz I got these 3 little titanium staples in my left L ung from a biopsy I had 2 years back. Good times, it still hurts. Anywho, after the machine started I remembered those little guys and thought "Oh SHIT! They are gonna be ripped outta my side by the magnetic field of the Cat scanner thing!" False alarm...thats an MRI come to find out. Lucky me. I survived to eat a grilled chicken taco salad for lunch from the Original Taco House. Yes it is THE original...ask anyone from here, they'll tell ya. Had a salad for dinner too. Looks like I'm going vegetarian, except I eat meat on my salads...

I said GOOD DAY SIR!

2006-04-03T23:36:00.000-07:00

Went to see my good Dr. today...
He is my buddie, I love him.

Before I met with him I had to take a F'd breathing test. I only failed it 6 times or so. No biggie. I am so tired and beat from it. You wouldn't think it, but I am! It feels like a ran a marathon in moon boots. I am going to hit the hay after this post. Anywho, FINALY I finished the tests and went to wait for the man.

He came in and I told him about all my new issues. The shingles, the depression, the dreaded weight thing...then he said, "Well how do you feel?" I said "Pretty good relativly speaking." and he says "Cause your breathing tests have improved quit a bit!"

WHAT?!

Kick ass! My scores are up! I can take in and disperse more air then I have in...well a looong time. This means the shots I'm taking are working or the new amino acid/anti-oxident that did so well in Euoropean studies is kicking in. Who knows. I am just thankful that I have not deteriorated! I gained back all the weight I lost, and I'd be even better had I kept it off and lost more...but shit, this is good news.

I still have to face the music up in Seattle next week with the transplant Dr. who is vicious. He is gonna rip me a new one. I deserve it though. I lost 20lbs. and gained it back in the last 6 months. Bad bad move. Stupid. They don't give trany's to fatties. Well, not FAT but fatter than I should be! Today however I turn over another leaf. I have been given a gift. This news today was unexpected, infact i expected the opposite. I am going to loose the weight I need to and keep myself healthy. Each day is a gift and I have been wasting them I think. I need to do what I can. All I can. Right now, that means GO TO BED. I got a HRCT (hi-res cat scan) tomorrow bright and early! Today was a good day.(Cousin Matt will know what that means!)

Reborn...

2006-04-03T23:34:00.000-07:00

First off I have to give props to Nihilly He gave me a new do! Big up to him! He asked me a few simple questions, what I like (MY DOG), my favorite colors, what I don't like, etc. and POOF! Like a fairy godfather he made my dreams come true!

Second, I have to give a big FUCK YOU BITCHES to the assholes that "raped" my first blog.

I shall chalk it up to a learning experience for myself, and to your utter lack of class and respect. F you, you F'ing Fucks. Deleting my old blog and getting rid of you was cleansing, it felt like getting a wart removed. I gave you the gay porn you wanted for awhile, but that got boring. I'm sure you find enough of it on your own to jerk off with. You may find me here again...probably. I don't care. You rotten people actually motivated me to make a much needed move and for that I guess I should thank your silly asses.

Ahhh It's been so long, I can barely remember how to do this! It's like riding a bike though I can't forget. 4 pics and a Link...not too shabby! I have a L ung Dr.'s appointment in the A.M. so I gotta get to bed. I will tell you all about it tomorrow. I still gotta order Stacy's blogmaking gift! I got him and his a little giftypoo for his hard work! I'm sure he sweat over this template for many many hours and I so appreciate his effort. He really made me my dream blog.

JoHari Window

2006-02-20T23:33:00.000-08:00

Swiped this from the Nugget Maven. Pretty neat blog filler. Tasty like the white creamy fat pockets in a stick of peperoni... Well, I'm a MF'n Assclown and can't figure out how to create a fucking link to the bitchass thing so until The Mayor can help me, go here if it's not too much trouble and tell me what you thinks! CLICK IT!!!!!

Johari Window of DogMa

Why can't I own a Canadian?

2006-02-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

I got read this and had to post it. I am so sick and tired of right-wing nut jobs picking and choosing what parts of the bible they wanna live by. Especially with all the pricks who say "I ain't gonna watch that Brokeback Mountain. God says fags are going to hell!" Well if you believe that cowboy...you gonna be joining them!!!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Rock on Jim. Rock. On.

The Great Cart Wars of Wal*Mart

2005-12-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I forgot to tell you about the fight I got into at Wal*Mart!

Ah...some of my best work ever.

Just to set the story up for you, I am cold, it is late very late, it's Christmas Eve Eve and I need to shop. So we go to Wally World. I get there and Mrs. Jabba the Hut is camped out on 1 of 2 carts, the other one has an out of order sign on it. I sweetly ask Large Marge if she coul heft it on over to the dead cart so I could have hers and she says no, this one is dead and I'm waiting for my husband to bring me one. (poor poor man) Anywho I go out the door and tell mom we are gonna have to wait and to go on without me, I'd catch up. I go back in, Fatty 2x4 is gone so I sit in her spot on the dead cart. And wait.

Soon an old bag, we will call her Bitches McGee or BM, comes strolling in. Yes, strolling. I see nothing wrong with this old bag except for the fact that she is probably an alchoholic and just old to boot. Anyways she strolls up to me with the quickness and says "You coming or going?" I said "This cart is dead, I'm waiting for THE NEXT ONE to come along, I've been waiting along time, they say they got 7 carts." She gets pissy and disgusted and putts around me for a minute, then she dissapears. She looked able-boddied so I figured he went to shop.

I wait another 20min. and decide to try out this dead cart and I go around the corner and see her chatting up some poor old lady in a cart thats checking out. She's been sitting on a bench infront of the registers. I hurry back to the cart parking spot and park the dead cart and the poor old lady comes around the corner being helped by someone. That bitch took her cart!

I was hot. I had been waiting almost an hour! So I wait up front looking for her and finally another person on O2 comes along and I wait with her in line and take her cart when she leaves. Mom comes along and I say "I gotta go find somebody, I'll catch up to you..." and off I went.

After searching for a good 15-20min. I see BM through the crowd. I make my way to her, she goes down an isle in the mens section. I run up on her and ram into the back of her cart. Full on bumper cars! I say "Woops! Glad to see you got a cart." BM says "Uhh, glads to see you got one too." She was scared, you could see it. I said "You know you stole that cart right out from under me, you waited up front, knowing I was waiting by the doors for the next cart to come along." BM says "I did not, you had your cart!" "Uh hello?! I was sitting sidways on a cart and you asked if I was coming or going and I told you that cart was dead!" BM says "Your crazy, you don't know what your taking about!" Then I say "God is watching you and he knows what you did. Your house is gonna burn down Christmas Day and your kids are gonna get killed by a drunk driver and I hope you get a brain tumor you fucking bitch." Totaly calm and cool, staring her down the whole time. Then BM's daughter walks up and gets in my face telling me to calm down, that I don't know what I am talking about. I say no you weren't there, you don't know what we are talking about! I flip them the bird, call them fucking bitches, people are gathering around the mens section now, someone says "Somebody go get somebody, they gonna fight!" I am flustered and stand up and try to manuver my cart outta the isle and get tangled up in clothes. Flip the bird and hollar out "Fuck you BITCHES!!!" and scoot off...

I get around the corner and hear 2 ladies talking about us and I zip up to them and say "She stole that cart she is on from me and I tracked her down and told her about heerself!" They said "Good for you!" HA! Take that BM you old HAG! I scoot off and find mom...of course she is mortified even though she was not there and had nothing to do with it. She even trys to defend BM and I tell her fahgeddaboudit! She stole it from me bottomline! I finished up my shopping and didn't see BM again. I hope she still thinks about what she did and doesn't forget me for a long time...

Did she actually think she deserved that cart more than me? HELLO! I'm on oxygen fool! I can't go far! I sure do hope to run into her again. Mike was so proud of me. He said "Thats my girl!" I totally pulled a page outta his book, he uses that one all the time except he says I hope your kids get Leukemia. HA! Ruthless!!! I sure made for interesting table talk for 2 days and everyone got a big kick outta it. Nobody could believe I'd say those things, but I was pissed! I dun got jacked! Don't mess with the handicapped bitches!!!